I have been reluctant to write for a week because I want to share myself in my blog but I am struggling with what level of privacy I want to work at. I am fine living my large and outloud life transparently. I need to be aware of the impact this has on my loved ones and the level of privacy they may desire. Confidentiality and consent are usually things I consider, or try to. My relationship with David W. is in the middle of a big transition. I want to talk about my life here and, I don't want to expose him to an unwanted level of public attention. So I have chosen, until now, to not discuss our transition. David is a huge part of my life. He is a brave and courageous man who has consistantly shared his truth with me whether or not this truth is pleasing to me. Last Sunday he shared that he no longer wants to be my primary partner. I was delighted to have him as my primary partner and am saddened by the change in the status of our relationship.
All week I have been on an emotional rollercoaster of grief and appreciation. Monday morning I wake up in a strange state of elation. I feel good, really good and strong. I know I haven't done anything "wrong". I know David loves me and I love him. I'm busy and I do my yoga and my water aerobics. I see my clients, amazing co-incidences occur. I make dates with old friends and lovers and reach out to make new connections. Tuesday I spend half the day immersed in a sense of freedom and pride that I can love someone enough to honor and respect their choices even when those choices are not to be with me. I spend the evening crying about the vision of the future I had become attached to. I call friends and get counseling and throw myself headlong into my work. I start to answer phone messages since before Amsterdam and say yes to activities and friends I have not made time for since the intense and deep romance with David started in February 2006. I miss David, alot. I start smoking cigarettes again. I lead my salon discussion about Sex Positive culture in Amsterdam.
Wed, I cancel my Holistic Peer COunseling class due to the impending snow storm and miss an opportunity to spend time with David because I have already made plans to have a girls night with Dawn and Priya. Thursday I see clients all day and have dinner with Michael S. a lover of my dear friend Caledonia who now lives in Washington D.C. Thursday night I call David and talk to him for an hour about his Landmark Self Expression and Leadership project. We focus on the important life works we are involved in and how we can support each other in staying engaged in these projects that inspire us and call us to be the best of who and what we are.
My psychic network is obviously working because in the course of this one week four of my former lovers call to ask me how I am doing and reconnect.A wave of the past is washing over as I am also reconnected to Ann Wood and Pam Dougherty who were in the band "The Art Sluts" with me in 1984-1986. Ann and I exchange a lot of email and a long phone call and we patch together a lot of the bands history. I will be writing a few blogs about the Art Sluts.
On Saturday I attend the closing session of the Landmark Wisdom Course and we talk about how the Eternal (which I call the Divine) has access to and through us in the following three models of "ALL THAT IS": 1)through World/Art as beauty 2)through Spirit/Being as an inquiry into Truth and 3)through Language/Community as Human Goodness. We were to make a choice between which of these 3 called to us most strongly. I could honestly not decide. Allena whispered to me that it was Being/Spirit as she saw me. I was in a wonderful emotional space where things apppeared quite beautific. During the event I was full of gratitude for David's beauty and goodness and how his self-inquiry allowed him to share his truth with me. I truly saw our transition as an opportunity for repose and relaxation. I was in a place of peace and full of amazement at the level of love and intimacy we have been able to exchange. Afterwards I went to the Hotflash dance and met up with some of my wonderful lesbian friends. I had a very deep conversation with my friend Tari that put my daily ego concerns in their place; petty and small concerns in the face of life and death matters.
Yesterday, Sunday, one week since David told me about his desire to change our relationship status. I am really doing well all day. I hang out with Diana and look at houseboats and go to the Ballard Market. I get my new laptop from Alicia for $50 and Diana offers me an operating system. I teach my "Owning Desire" workshop and it goes really well. I get home and see that his parents have sent me an email with pictures of their new puppy. I remember how much I enjoyed Thanksgiving with them. I cry until I fall asleep.
Today, I do yoga and go through the public library afterwards. I see advertising for a performance art piece called "The Maze" is occuring at 6:30pm tonight. I see clients,I go to Howard Hansen for a body talk energy medicine session.I am glowing and peaceful. I meet my new friend Treeza at Travellers and she tells me about the Peace Walk from Seattle to New York that she did a few years ago. We meet Gabriel at the public library and watch the performance art which is very stimulating. We have to go to different locations all over the library following a handbook of instructions (each person's is different). Each location has a different installation, some are dancers and some are just well, live installations I do not feel like taking the time to describe in full just now. And, really, you just had to be there. Actually you can look up a whole bunch of cool performance art that is happening throughout December by going to www.4culture.org There is some really wonderful stuff going on. One of the things I really like about Seattle is that there is so much accessible art here. So Teereza gets on her bus to Tacoma and Gabriel and I have nachos at Charlies and I come home and write this blog. I miss talking to David as we used to talk to each other everyday. Years of experience have taught me that this too shall pass. I know in my heart that our connection and love for each other is strong. I ultimately have faith that wherever this is leading, where I am is exactly the right way to be in the Now moment. Patience dear Teri, patience and treat yourself gently.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Re-entry Blues and Owning Desire research
Bumming out
I got up around 6am, after being awake and making lists of things to do for quite a while. Decided I wanted to do research for my class "Owning Desire" next Sunday Dec 3rd (it's 5:30-7:30pm at Wild at Heart 1111 Leary Way NW in Ballard (206) 782-5538.
I am feeling a bit depressed. I think, now that I have slept off all the jet lag, I am a little sad to be back in my "regular" life. I do love my wonderful life, but being in another country on vacation was so extraordinary that waking up in my bed alone was not so great. I also tend to worry and obsess about my relationships. I want to know "where they are going", I want to ensure they are intentional. I want to eliminate my occassional sense of dependency and fear of abandonment. I want to feel and expereince pleasure and desire without pleasure and desire becoming the central focus of the relationships. Such a hard task for the incredibly hedonistic and self-centered pagan being that I am.
I went to the Starbucks 3 blocks from my house at about 6:45am, because it is a business that is open at that hour. I read an article by Willow pearson of the Integral Institute ( associated with Ken Wilber ) about the construction of desire. Fascinating breakdown of social interactions into: a spiral of time, levels of development across four quadrants, and lines of growth/variation within quadrants. Took me a while but I found myself able to imagine and then see this holistic model of life whihc is postmodern as compared to the "common" consensual reality of "Either/Or" reality that dualistic paradigms impose on us. I will use the division of desire into 4 quadrants in my work. Had a very interesting conversation about sexuality and desire with a homeless woman and a magnet salesman, quite fun.
I moved to Cafe Septieme for brteakfast at 9am and began reading a 2004 issue of the Buddhist magazine Tricycle. The issue is devoted to "the Riddle of Desire". It turns out that not all Buddhists advocate the elimination of desire. In fact, from what I learned in this series of articles; Buddhism is requesting that we be present with desire, neither repressing nor rushing to fulfill the yearning or obtain the object which is being "sought after". The idea is to be fully with the desire, notice its location in the body, see how and where it arises. To come fully into the emotional experience of desire itself and just "be with it" seems to be the goal. I consider learning this practice. It is shown that several people, using this technique find the desire shifting and transorming into other feelings and memories. Reaching an understanding of the origin of these sensations/feelings seems to help some people release their attachment to desire. They still feel desire as one of the many feelings humans continually experience, they just do not act on the compulsive pull to fulfill the desire.
There are several other aspects of desire I want to explore in this class. I want to more fully understand and teach about Polly Young-Eisendrath's distinctions between socialized tendencies to be either sexual objects or sexual subjects. She suggests we be more intentional and feel freer to move between these two poles.
I will also be re-reading and integrating Jack Morin's book "The Erotic Mind" which helps people look at the personal historic origins of their sexual tendencies and fantasies. Another way to frame his book is that it looks at how we come to identify desire for ourselves. I will merge this with my own concepts of "sourcing authentic desire" which for me means looking critically at any lack of continuity between what we say we want/ what we actually do sexually/ and what the common culture "will allow us" ro desire without punishment or other negative consequences.The ability to look behind the things we have been socialized to desire is rare:
Here are a few stereotypes we are all familiar with: "titties and beer" (huh, huh said in a stupid male adolescent accent like Bevis and Butthead), or young "barely legal"porn stars with blonde pony tails in videos, or Tall dark and handsome secret agents, or built up muscular gay man with a big dick etc etc etc. These are the images blared at us from every orifice of the media streams we live within.
Is there a difference between what we are taught to desire ( and thus "must" desire in order to conform to the culturally appropriate gender we have been assigned at birth) and what really turns us on physically? My understanding is that desire first arises as a physical sensation in the body, as all other feelings do. MOur culture is so body phobic and sex negative that many of us are numb and unaware of our somatic expereinces.Many people need to be brought into awareness of their own bodily sensations and be able to identify them as feeling states. Desire can be a very uncomfortable feeling especially when it is associated with weakness and potential rejection. How do we reclaim desire as our own? What is a sex positive framewrk for desire? How do we own desire and act on it without being swept up into an endless state of sexual yearning that threatens to overwhelm us? How do we learn to temper our own desires and get our needs met when partners do not share the same desires or sexual drives?
As a fat woman; as a counselor; as a sex educator who is very sexually active and a self described intimacy slut and sacred whore, these questions have been a focus of mine for some time. Most people who become my lovers have either deconstructed their desire before meeting me or end up doing so as a result of being in relationship with me. I really do not like to think about the number of times I have heard from a lover that I am the" largest person they have ever been with" This conversation is boring and predictible. I had even told one of my lovers that I never wanted to hear that and he forgot and said it to me any way. Sigh. I am not a person that is attractive to people who are steeped in the "common" mainstream lifestyle. Or this has been my belief/conversation for a long time. My relationship with David W. comes as close as I ever have to challenging this notion.
These are the topics and realms I wish to explore with the people who attend next Sunday's workshop.maybe you'll join me. I would also be glad to receive email with any commentary on these inquiries:
I have spent the afternoon and evening writing about and contemplating these things at Jeff and Rukh's house in Columbia City. Now I will go out and have a drink before turning in for the night. I am really looking forward to brunch with Connie tomorrow morning!
Blessed Be!
I got up around 6am, after being awake and making lists of things to do for quite a while. Decided I wanted to do research for my class "Owning Desire" next Sunday Dec 3rd (it's 5:30-7:30pm at Wild at Heart 1111 Leary Way NW in Ballard (206) 782-5538.
I am feeling a bit depressed. I think, now that I have slept off all the jet lag, I am a little sad to be back in my "regular" life. I do love my wonderful life, but being in another country on vacation was so extraordinary that waking up in my bed alone was not so great. I also tend to worry and obsess about my relationships. I want to know "where they are going", I want to ensure they are intentional. I want to eliminate my occassional sense of dependency and fear of abandonment. I want to feel and expereince pleasure and desire without pleasure and desire becoming the central focus of the relationships. Such a hard task for the incredibly hedonistic and self-centered pagan being that I am.
I went to the Starbucks 3 blocks from my house at about 6:45am, because it is a business that is open at that hour. I read an article by Willow pearson of the Integral Institute ( associated with Ken Wilber ) about the construction of desire. Fascinating breakdown of social interactions into: a spiral of time, levels of development across four quadrants, and lines of growth/variation within quadrants. Took me a while but I found myself able to imagine and then see this holistic model of life whihc is postmodern as compared to the "common" consensual reality of "Either/Or" reality that dualistic paradigms impose on us. I will use the division of desire into 4 quadrants in my work. Had a very interesting conversation about sexuality and desire with a homeless woman and a magnet salesman, quite fun.
I moved to Cafe Septieme for brteakfast at 9am and began reading a 2004 issue of the Buddhist magazine Tricycle. The issue is devoted to "the Riddle of Desire". It turns out that not all Buddhists advocate the elimination of desire. In fact, from what I learned in this series of articles; Buddhism is requesting that we be present with desire, neither repressing nor rushing to fulfill the yearning or obtain the object which is being "sought after". The idea is to be fully with the desire, notice its location in the body, see how and where it arises. To come fully into the emotional experience of desire itself and just "be with it" seems to be the goal. I consider learning this practice. It is shown that several people, using this technique find the desire shifting and transorming into other feelings and memories. Reaching an understanding of the origin of these sensations/feelings seems to help some people release their attachment to desire. They still feel desire as one of the many feelings humans continually experience, they just do not act on the compulsive pull to fulfill the desire.
There are several other aspects of desire I want to explore in this class. I want to more fully understand and teach about Polly Young-Eisendrath's distinctions between socialized tendencies to be either sexual objects or sexual subjects. She suggests we be more intentional and feel freer to move between these two poles.
I will also be re-reading and integrating Jack Morin's book "The Erotic Mind" which helps people look at the personal historic origins of their sexual tendencies and fantasies. Another way to frame his book is that it looks at how we come to identify desire for ourselves. I will merge this with my own concepts of "sourcing authentic desire" which for me means looking critically at any lack of continuity between what we say we want/ what we actually do sexually/ and what the common culture "will allow us" ro desire without punishment or other negative consequences.The ability to look behind the things we have been socialized to desire is rare:
Here are a few stereotypes we are all familiar with: "titties and beer" (huh, huh said in a stupid male adolescent accent like Bevis and Butthead), or young "barely legal"porn stars with blonde pony tails in videos, or Tall dark and handsome secret agents, or built up muscular gay man with a big dick etc etc etc. These are the images blared at us from every orifice of the media streams we live within.
Is there a difference between what we are taught to desire ( and thus "must" desire in order to conform to the culturally appropriate gender we have been assigned at birth) and what really turns us on physically? My understanding is that desire first arises as a physical sensation in the body, as all other feelings do. MOur culture is so body phobic and sex negative that many of us are numb and unaware of our somatic expereinces.Many people need to be brought into awareness of their own bodily sensations and be able to identify them as feeling states. Desire can be a very uncomfortable feeling especially when it is associated with weakness and potential rejection. How do we reclaim desire as our own? What is a sex positive framewrk for desire? How do we own desire and act on it without being swept up into an endless state of sexual yearning that threatens to overwhelm us? How do we learn to temper our own desires and get our needs met when partners do not share the same desires or sexual drives?
As a fat woman; as a counselor; as a sex educator who is very sexually active and a self described intimacy slut and sacred whore, these questions have been a focus of mine for some time. Most people who become my lovers have either deconstructed their desire before meeting me or end up doing so as a result of being in relationship with me. I really do not like to think about the number of times I have heard from a lover that I am the" largest person they have ever been with" This conversation is boring and predictible. I had even told one of my lovers that I never wanted to hear that and he forgot and said it to me any way. Sigh. I am not a person that is attractive to people who are steeped in the "common" mainstream lifestyle. Or this has been my belief/conversation for a long time. My relationship with David W. comes as close as I ever have to challenging this notion.
These are the topics and realms I wish to explore with the people who attend next Sunday's workshop.maybe you'll join me. I would also be glad to receive email with any commentary on these inquiries:
I have spent the afternoon and evening writing about and contemplating these things at Jeff and Rukh's house in Columbia City. Now I will go out and have a drink before turning in for the night. I am really looking forward to brunch with Connie tomorrow morning!
Blessed Be!
Back in Seattle Wed 22nd & Turkey Day
Jim and I returned to Seattle on Wed evening one hour after the time that we left Amsterdam very strange, very jetlagged.
Terrible plane ride back several screaming children, an intense headache that made me cry for about 15 minutes. The worst part of an otherwise amazing trip.
Went right to bed after unpacking suitcases. House was beautiful because of C.D. and Kristen who had come over to clean and fix things in my absence. Called Kristen to see if she would come over. Feel asleep until he got there around 6pm or so. Gave her all the cool clothes I bought at a discount store. Two very goth skirts, one shirt with a photograph design of roses all over it. Two pairs of incredible Italian stockings; one violet full length with spiral design, one calf length turquoise with geometric design. So cool! We ate some chocolate hedgehogs and taked a bit. It is not a mistake that I am changing gender pronouns for Kristen. I will explain her genderfluidity in some future blog entry.
Kristen left and I went back to sleep until David W. came over. Before I left to stay over at David's house, I gave him all the presents I bought for him, including a little red enamel teapot and, (ta da! the best gift of all) a new butterfly knife with bird's eye maple wood on the handles. David has a knife collection that he is very proud of. I have really come to appreciate knives and started my own collection. He gave me my first knife ever as a birthday present this year. He got quite a few other presents from Amsterdam that I don't feel the need to list. He seemed very happy.
David was very loving and physically affectionate with me. He really took care of me all night, (and the next day too), and I felt loved and cherished. I packed what I needed to spend Thursday and most of Friday with him and we went directly to his house in Renton. We made ravioli and defrosted some of my excellent marinara sauce. Lovely dinner. We laid in front of his freplace for a bit and went to sleep.
We stayed in bed for an incredibly long time in the morning snuggling and playing and talking. We edited my photographs from Amsterdam and then it was already time to go to his parents for Thanksgiving. I talked to my mom and my sisters in Cleveland ( my brother is hard to reach), which is a Turkey day tradition. Found out my little sister Geri has a website for her Janis Joplin tribute band:Ball & Chain! Check it out at:
Meanwhile back at my partner's parents house: wonderful dinner, relaxed low key evening eating great food and watching "Hidden Dragon Crouching Tiger". Such a beautiful film but I had forgotten what a tragedy is. Fortunately David's mom handed me a tissue at just the right moment.
Friday morning we ran around doing errands: fixing my cel phone by getting a new charger, trying to find David some new blue jeans. Suddenly it was 4pm and time to part. I went back home had several long phone conversations with people I had to tell about my Amsterdam adventures! Went to sleep, it was only 8:30pm.
Terrible plane ride back several screaming children, an intense headache that made me cry for about 15 minutes. The worst part of an otherwise amazing trip.
Went right to bed after unpacking suitcases. House was beautiful because of C.D. and Kristen who had come over to clean and fix things in my absence. Called Kristen to see if she would come over. Feel asleep until he got there around 6pm or so. Gave her all the cool clothes I bought at a discount store. Two very goth skirts, one shirt with a photograph design of roses all over it. Two pairs of incredible Italian stockings; one violet full length with spiral design, one calf length turquoise with geometric design. So cool! We ate some chocolate hedgehogs and taked a bit. It is not a mistake that I am changing gender pronouns for Kristen. I will explain her genderfluidity in some future blog entry.
Kristen left and I went back to sleep until David W. came over. Before I left to stay over at David's house, I gave him all the presents I bought for him, including a little red enamel teapot and, (ta da! the best gift of all) a new butterfly knife with bird's eye maple wood on the handles. David has a knife collection that he is very proud of. I have really come to appreciate knives and started my own collection. He gave me my first knife ever as a birthday present this year. He got quite a few other presents from Amsterdam that I don't feel the need to list. He seemed very happy.
David was very loving and physically affectionate with me. He really took care of me all night, (and the next day too), and I felt loved and cherished. I packed what I needed to spend Thursday and most of Friday with him and we went directly to his house in Renton. We made ravioli and defrosted some of my excellent marinara sauce. Lovely dinner. We laid in front of his freplace for a bit and went to sleep.
We stayed in bed for an incredibly long time in the morning snuggling and playing and talking. We edited my photographs from Amsterdam and then it was already time to go to his parents for Thanksgiving. I talked to my mom and my sisters in Cleveland ( my brother is hard to reach), which is a Turkey day tradition. Found out my little sister Geri has a website for her Janis Joplin tribute band:Ball & Chain! Check it out at:
Meanwhile back at my partner's parents house: wonderful dinner, relaxed low key evening eating great food and watching "Hidden Dragon Crouching Tiger". Such a beautiful film but I had forgotten what a tragedy is. Fortunately David's mom handed me a tissue at just the right moment.
Friday morning we ran around doing errands: fixing my cel phone by getting a new charger, trying to find David some new blue jeans. Suddenly it was 4pm and time to part. I went back home had several long phone conversations with people I had to tell about my Amsterdam adventures! Went to sleep, it was only 8:30pm.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Last Tram in Amsterdam
Today was the last day to explore and really be with Amsterdam. I kind of want to go home and I kind of want to stay here. I miss people in Seattle, and I am aware that I have only experienced a small slice of the whole Amsterdam Pie. I am also really not looking forward to the jet lag, ugh!
(Almost the) Last Breakfast in Amsterdam
We got up around 9am knowing that the breakfast place we have chosen is open at 10am. We get there close 10am. I did not bring my umbrella and 1/2 way to this place ( only 6 blocks or so from the houseboat) it starts to hail. I am upset about how wet and cold I get. We get to our lovely Mediterranean deli owned by a beautiful man and his son. Jim and i had lunch here yesterday. Jim had a lamb brookjie ( sandwich ) with garlic sauce. I had this little lamb meatloaf patty and something that was a cross between a croissant and stromboli. Mushrooms, peppers and onions on a thin crust, like a pizza, but rolled up like a burrito and then baked. Delicious!
Wow, I really want to finish this post but I'm in the houseboat and my feet are freezing. I have socks on and I turned the heat all the way up but it is not making a significant difference. I will put a towel on the floor and if that works, I'll keep writing otherwise it will have to wait until i get home.
Okay there is a towel on the floor and I'm still cold so we'll see how long this lasts.
Back in the deli Jim and i are having a lovely conversation with the owner, most of it translated by his 20 something son. I have asked where to get all these lovely little coffee spoons that they have everywhere. The guy actually goes in the back of his store and comes back in a few minutes with spoons. He offers me the spoons and they are some really lovely ones with inlays and designs. Jim and i explain that we need ugly dirty spoons for an art project. We tell him we are going to Albert Cuyptmart and he tells us where to buy them inexpensively. After chocolate croissants and tea we go 3 doors further up the street to a lovely chocolate shop. I am not going to tell you what I got because i want to surprise several people. Suffice it to say that I spent an unreasonable amount of money on an unreasonable amount of chocolate. Yum! We go into a few discount clothing stores and get some stuff. Kristen is going to love me when she sees what I got her !!! We realize we have too much stuff to carry and i still want my umbrella. Jim keeps looking at shoes and i head back to the houseboat. I unload and am ready to leave again but no Jimbo. I decide to leave anyway and meet him on the path. I communicate that i am going to go to the graveyard down the street to take pictures. Jim will meet me at the Tram stop.
The graveyard is very old and lovely. There are headstones from 1901 and up. Vines everywhere. I take a lot of pictures. There is a young couple eating lunch. There bikes are parked in a space between trees that leads on into the horizon, a field, a pond and an incredible sky with wonderful cloud formations. I take a lot of pictures. I am frustrated with the flash. I want to ask David to teach me more about cameras soon, so i can achieve the results i want. I meet a Dutch biology teacher who tells me what a special place it is. he comes there on his horse a lot. Today he is just on a bike. He tells me about the artist who lives in the house on the property. he tells me there is a book coming out about the graveyard early in 2007. he tells me about the 800 apartment complex being built across the Schnikel canal and the roadway they are going to put in between the houseboat we are staying in and the graveyard. I am sad about all of this. I leave and walk to the Hoofenstraat square. Jim finds me and we go to Albert Cuypmarkt.
Albert Cuypmarkt
The biggest and oldest outdoor market in Amsterdam is 101years old. Jim and I have a lot of fun and buy stuff. Jim eats raw herring with onions. The idea of it grosses me out but I try some. Jim reminds me how much i like sushi and I realize i am being ridiculous. I may write more about what happened at this market when i get home. I do not want to tell the people I got stuff for what I got them. I went to the spoon store and bought 120 small caffe spoons for 20 euro. This is a great deal. I now have enough spoons for 120 more copies of my Dirty Spoon chapbook. They are the perfect size! This makes me incredibly happy! Jim and I leave the market 2 hours after arriving. We take a Tram to Central Station. We think we are going to the museum of Modern art called the Stijlmuseum ( this means Style). When we get there we don't wanna go anymore. We decide to split up and keep shopping. I go to a store called "Old Man" I can't tell you what i got yet there. What a tease I am. I realize i look like an outrageous ( my hat and scarf are "very dramatic" as one of the lesbians commented), middle aged tourist from America. I realize that I am an outrageous middle aged tourist from America, and "so what?"
I get on a #2 Tram and go back to the square by the houseboat. i decide I want to go to a pub and have a beer and some authentic Dutch food. I have two Amstel Bock dark beers and a wonderful meal with beans and sausage and a fried egg, there are also pickle slices and pickled pearl onions. I enjoy it. When i comment to the waitress how everywhere I have gone there has been American music she puts on some traditional Dutch music ( see how accommodating they are here?).
I get home and Jim is there already watching TV. He is surprised I arrived after him. he is wanting to get ready for the palm reading he is doing at 9pm. He met a guy on line the other night and arranged to meet him and his two friends for dinner. I decide I want to go to the Deco Sauna and get a massage. We both pack our bags first. We leave together on the tram and split after two stops. I am anxious that I don't have enough money so I get off at the Dam where I know there is a money machine. I get back on the tram for another stop and head to the Deco Spa. I find it adter some struggle. It is on a residential street ( like most of the coolest things are). It just has a tiny sign. I walk down and enter the door. I am greeted by a nose full of fragrant moist air. It is amazing in here. Real Art Deco. Go see the website, you'll be amazed www.decosauna.nl
As it turns out getting on and off the tram for the money was a mistake. i had enough money and They close at 11pm which means people stop being in the sauna and getting massages at 10:30. I have arrived at 10:20 . She won't let me in. She gives me the name of another sauna and says they are open til midnight. i go as fast as i can across two more canals and cobblestone streets. The Sauna Kaizer is also closed and only open to men from 7pm-Midnight anyway. oh poop! Now i am tired and disappointed. I decide to stop and rest and look around and just take in what is there. I drink in my surroundings. I take a few more pictures. I walk back to the kafe where Jim and I ate our first meal here last Thursday. I go in and notice there is a green man etched into the glass on the front door. I sit and drink two hot chocolates with kahlua. I talk to the bartenders. This bar is 250 years old. It is beautiful. The wood is so worn and dark. It is so comfortable. They have lit a candle at my little table. I take some notes for my blog entries. I leave slowly and get on the Tram. It is the last Tram i will take in Amsterdam. I come to the houseboat and start writing to you.
Goodnight! See some of you this weekend. Love, Teri
(Almost the) Last Breakfast in Amsterdam
We got up around 9am knowing that the breakfast place we have chosen is open at 10am. We get there close 10am. I did not bring my umbrella and 1/2 way to this place ( only 6 blocks or so from the houseboat) it starts to hail. I am upset about how wet and cold I get. We get to our lovely Mediterranean deli owned by a beautiful man and his son. Jim and i had lunch here yesterday. Jim had a lamb brookjie ( sandwich ) with garlic sauce. I had this little lamb meatloaf patty and something that was a cross between a croissant and stromboli. Mushrooms, peppers and onions on a thin crust, like a pizza, but rolled up like a burrito and then baked. Delicious!
Wow, I really want to finish this post but I'm in the houseboat and my feet are freezing. I have socks on and I turned the heat all the way up but it is not making a significant difference. I will put a towel on the floor and if that works, I'll keep writing otherwise it will have to wait until i get home.
Okay there is a towel on the floor and I'm still cold so we'll see how long this lasts.
Back in the deli Jim and i are having a lovely conversation with the owner, most of it translated by his 20 something son. I have asked where to get all these lovely little coffee spoons that they have everywhere. The guy actually goes in the back of his store and comes back in a few minutes with spoons. He offers me the spoons and they are some really lovely ones with inlays and designs. Jim and i explain that we need ugly dirty spoons for an art project. We tell him we are going to Albert Cuyptmart and he tells us where to buy them inexpensively. After chocolate croissants and tea we go 3 doors further up the street to a lovely chocolate shop. I am not going to tell you what I got because i want to surprise several people. Suffice it to say that I spent an unreasonable amount of money on an unreasonable amount of chocolate. Yum! We go into a few discount clothing stores and get some stuff. Kristen is going to love me when she sees what I got her !!! We realize we have too much stuff to carry and i still want my umbrella. Jim keeps looking at shoes and i head back to the houseboat. I unload and am ready to leave again but no Jimbo. I decide to leave anyway and meet him on the path. I communicate that i am going to go to the graveyard down the street to take pictures. Jim will meet me at the Tram stop.
The graveyard is very old and lovely. There are headstones from 1901 and up. Vines everywhere. I take a lot of pictures. There is a young couple eating lunch. There bikes are parked in a space between trees that leads on into the horizon, a field, a pond and an incredible sky with wonderful cloud formations. I take a lot of pictures. I am frustrated with the flash. I want to ask David to teach me more about cameras soon, so i can achieve the results i want. I meet a Dutch biology teacher who tells me what a special place it is. he comes there on his horse a lot. Today he is just on a bike. He tells me about the artist who lives in the house on the property. he tells me there is a book coming out about the graveyard early in 2007. he tells me about the 800 apartment complex being built across the Schnikel canal and the roadway they are going to put in between the houseboat we are staying in and the graveyard. I am sad about all of this. I leave and walk to the Hoofenstraat square. Jim finds me and we go to Albert Cuypmarkt.
Albert Cuypmarkt
The biggest and oldest outdoor market in Amsterdam is 101years old. Jim and I have a lot of fun and buy stuff. Jim eats raw herring with onions. The idea of it grosses me out but I try some. Jim reminds me how much i like sushi and I realize i am being ridiculous. I may write more about what happened at this market when i get home. I do not want to tell the people I got stuff for what I got them. I went to the spoon store and bought 120 small caffe spoons for 20 euro. This is a great deal. I now have enough spoons for 120 more copies of my Dirty Spoon chapbook. They are the perfect size! This makes me incredibly happy! Jim and I leave the market 2 hours after arriving. We take a Tram to Central Station. We think we are going to the museum of Modern art called the Stijlmuseum ( this means Style). When we get there we don't wanna go anymore. We decide to split up and keep shopping. I go to a store called "Old Man" I can't tell you what i got yet there. What a tease I am. I realize i look like an outrageous ( my hat and scarf are "very dramatic" as one of the lesbians commented), middle aged tourist from America. I realize that I am an outrageous middle aged tourist from America, and "so what?"
I get on a #2 Tram and go back to the square by the houseboat. i decide I want to go to a pub and have a beer and some authentic Dutch food. I have two Amstel Bock dark beers and a wonderful meal with beans and sausage and a fried egg, there are also pickle slices and pickled pearl onions. I enjoy it. When i comment to the waitress how everywhere I have gone there has been American music she puts on some traditional Dutch music ( see how accommodating they are here?).
I get home and Jim is there already watching TV. He is surprised I arrived after him. he is wanting to get ready for the palm reading he is doing at 9pm. He met a guy on line the other night and arranged to meet him and his two friends for dinner. I decide I want to go to the Deco Sauna and get a massage. We both pack our bags first. We leave together on the tram and split after two stops. I am anxious that I don't have enough money so I get off at the Dam where I know there is a money machine. I get back on the tram for another stop and head to the Deco Spa. I find it adter some struggle. It is on a residential street ( like most of the coolest things are). It just has a tiny sign. I walk down and enter the door. I am greeted by a nose full of fragrant moist air. It is amazing in here. Real Art Deco. Go see the website, you'll be amazed www.decosauna.nl
As it turns out getting on and off the tram for the money was a mistake. i had enough money and They close at 11pm which means people stop being in the sauna and getting massages at 10:30. I have arrived at 10:20 . She won't let me in. She gives me the name of another sauna and says they are open til midnight. i go as fast as i can across two more canals and cobblestone streets. The Sauna Kaizer is also closed and only open to men from 7pm-Midnight anyway. oh poop! Now i am tired and disappointed. I decide to stop and rest and look around and just take in what is there. I drink in my surroundings. I take a few more pictures. I walk back to the kafe where Jim and I ate our first meal here last Thursday. I go in and notice there is a green man etched into the glass on the front door. I sit and drink two hot chocolates with kahlua. I talk to the bartenders. This bar is 250 years old. It is beautiful. The wood is so worn and dark. It is so comfortable. They have lit a candle at my little table. I take some notes for my blog entries. I leave slowly and get on the Tram. It is the last Tram i will take in Amsterdam. I come to the houseboat and start writing to you.
Goodnight! See some of you this weekend. Love, Teri
Monday, November 20, 2006
Jim's hangover, Searching the Joordan for House of Heads and Fotographic
A Slow Start
Well, the day started off slow as I was up and ready to go around 10:30
but Jim had a hangover. I knew I could leave without him but I would not be able to communicate with him ( damn cel phone doesn't work!), and I so enjoy his company. So I stayed. I researched my travel books. I wrote more postcards.
I made detailed plans for what to do with our day while Jim recovered
Joordan shopping and strolling
I wanted to go to the one and only woman owned sex toy store that I knew of.Walking walking walking, and then we get to Female & Partners sex toy store. It is a lot smaller than i thought. It is smaller than my studio apartment! Lots of great fetish clothing I mean stuff that could be on a Sci-Fi movie set! The sex toys were scant really and the floggers and bondage gear were mostly for show. Once again I realize how fortunate we are in Seattle to have Babeland and all the independent artists who make sex toys, bondage equiptment and floggers and sell them at the S.P.C.C. Vendor Fairs. I am so spoiled!
Mistaken shop identity
We head off toward what I think is Fotographic because I want to find some photography for David. So we stroll a long way on many little cobblestone streets. Jim has used my marks in the Lonely Planet book to navigate and 45 min later we arrive at a very closed NationalPhotographic Museum. Oops! I look and see that the store I want, Fotographic, is not even open on Mondays.
We stop at Tulip Museum and get some bulbs for Priya. We stop for some tea, hot chocolate and appletarte (pie with whip cream!)in a pub. We take lots and lots of pictures. I stop in at the Jose art gallery, wonderful art!
We wander around stumbling on cobblestone and looking at canals
We look for the House of heads in the rain and get cranky. We find it! The heads are Demeter, Apollo, Artemis,Dionysus, Athena and Hermes
Tourists again
Got more postcards, ( did I mention I am sending a total of 74?), looked for chocolate at the very fancy and intimidating Department Store ( begins with a B). I wanted to get a chocolate letter for all of my dear ones. Jim got more info from the lady at the chocolate counter about Sinter Klaus. When we asked "why do you eat candy in the shapes of pigs rats and frogs?" She did not know. So far no one seems to know. The pig is made of Marzipan and is eaten over time slowly. The Chocolate letters are to put in the children's shoes by the hearth.
At my insistence ( my knees really hurt) we got on an incredibly crowded #2Tram. Jim engages a lovely German named Felix in a 30 min conversation about languages. We get off the tram at "Hoofen whatever "and buy food from an Indonesian deli.
A healing from Marion
Get home to the houseboat where we are meeting a lovely lesbian named Marion. I met her at my class on Saturday and during our talks at the pub I found out that she does Alphawave healings. I listened to music and she talked to me and helped me do visualizations. i specifically worked on some of the sources of my PTSD ( remember when I got stoned how I was aware of being anxious). I felt a lot better after the treatment.
Jim and I think we are going to go out to the Melkweg (Milky Way) but I start writing postcards and he starts putting his photos on the computer and the next thing you know it is 2am and I am writing this blog. Going to sleep now. Oh yes, I Finished writing all 74 postcards. Yippee!
Well, the day started off slow as I was up and ready to go around 10:30
but Jim had a hangover. I knew I could leave without him but I would not be able to communicate with him ( damn cel phone doesn't work!), and I so enjoy his company. So I stayed. I researched my travel books. I wrote more postcards.
I made detailed plans for what to do with our day while Jim recovered
Joordan shopping and strolling
I wanted to go to the one and only woman owned sex toy store that I knew of.Walking walking walking, and then we get to Female & Partners sex toy store. It is a lot smaller than i thought. It is smaller than my studio apartment! Lots of great fetish clothing I mean stuff that could be on a Sci-Fi movie set! The sex toys were scant really and the floggers and bondage gear were mostly for show. Once again I realize how fortunate we are in Seattle to have Babeland and all the independent artists who make sex toys, bondage equiptment and floggers and sell them at the S.P.C.C. Vendor Fairs. I am so spoiled!
Mistaken shop identity
We head off toward what I think is Fotographic because I want to find some photography for David. So we stroll a long way on many little cobblestone streets. Jim has used my marks in the Lonely Planet book to navigate and 45 min later we arrive at a very closed NationalPhotographic Museum. Oops! I look and see that the store I want, Fotographic, is not even open on Mondays.
We stop at Tulip Museum and get some bulbs for Priya. We stop for some tea, hot chocolate and appletarte (pie with whip cream!)in a pub. We take lots and lots of pictures. I stop in at the Jose art gallery, wonderful art!
We wander around stumbling on cobblestone and looking at canals
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| From Amsterdam |
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| From Amsterdam |
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| From Amsterdam |
We look for the House of heads in the rain and get cranky. We find it! The heads are Demeter, Apollo, Artemis,Dionysus, Athena and Hermes
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| From Amsterdam |
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| From Amsterdam |
Tourists again
Got more postcards, ( did I mention I am sending a total of 74?), looked for chocolate at the very fancy and intimidating Department Store ( begins with a B). I wanted to get a chocolate letter for all of my dear ones. Jim got more info from the lady at the chocolate counter about Sinter Klaus. When we asked "why do you eat candy in the shapes of pigs rats and frogs?" She did not know. So far no one seems to know. The pig is made of Marzipan and is eaten over time slowly. The Chocolate letters are to put in the children's shoes by the hearth.
At my insistence ( my knees really hurt) we got on an incredibly crowded #2Tram. Jim engages a lovely German named Felix in a 30 min conversation about languages. We get off the tram at "Hoofen whatever "and buy food from an Indonesian deli.
A healing from Marion
Get home to the houseboat where we are meeting a lovely lesbian named Marion. I met her at my class on Saturday and during our talks at the pub I found out that she does Alphawave healings. I listened to music and she talked to me and helped me do visualizations. i specifically worked on some of the sources of my PTSD ( remember when I got stoned how I was aware of being anxious). I felt a lot better after the treatment.
Jim and I think we are going to go out to the Melkweg (Milky Way) but I start writing postcards and he starts putting his photos on the computer and the next thing you know it is 2am and I am writing this blog. Going to sleep now. Oh yes, I Finished writing all 74 postcards. Yippee!
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Who is SinterKlaus
3rd weekend of November is the arrival of Sinter Klaus from Spain, with all his blackfaced helpers. (slaves?)
Dec 5th is Sinter Klaus Day (like his birthday some say)
Here are some pictures with captions written by Jim. (more from me on this topic later)
CLICK ON THE PHOTOS to read the captions - and view the rest of our Amsterdam Photos posted so far.
Dec 5th is Sinter Klaus Day (like his birthday some say)
Here are some pictures with captions written by Jim. (more from me on this topic later)
CLICK ON THE PHOTOS to read the captions - and view the rest of our Amsterdam Photos posted so far.
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| From Amsterdam |
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| From Amsterdam |
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| From Amsterdam |
Bailing on the Wisdom Course & preview of SinterKlaus
Sunday Sunday
I am publishing this now but I will come back to this post to put in missing info later on.
During my conversations with the Wild Side dykes last night I connected with Katie Weille PhD about her research into BDSM. She wrote her PhD thesis in Psychology on upgrading psychologists conversations around BDSM. Basically why it should not be pathologized. Tania gave me a copy of her Thesis summary and connected us by phone so that I could meet with her at bagels and Beans at 9am.
I get up at 8am to get ready and inadvertently wake Jim who decided to go with me. Before Katie gets there Marg from Denmark, who i shared a tsaxi with Sat am, stops to chat on her way to the Wisdom course. We talk and several other Wisdom people go by offering greetings and smiles. I am starting to feel like a jerk about not going. I know I am completely out of integrity and I don't care. I am belligerent and defiant and about 3 I think. I tell Marg to tell the staff i am not coming and I am now free to spend the afternoon as a tourist. I want to see SinterKlaus.
We meet Katie but realize that no food place is open before 10:00am. End up back at the houseboat for toast, tangerines, tea and a dynamic intelligent conversation about paganism, polyamory and BDSM and the cross over between Sci-Fi geek and gaming communities in those sub cultures. Katie's research is really interesting and I am hoping to get a complete copy of it. A few of the chapter titles are:
After our fabulous conversation with Katie, Jim and I hed up to the Leidseplein for tourist-like activities like eating freshly made donuts ( boojeries???) and buying souvenirs.
We decide after going to a few stores including Art Unlimited postcards where I buy more than 30 postcards ( I have 74 people to send postcards to!). We are waiting for the SinterKlaus arrival and paraded at 2:30pm
We decide now is the time for our CoffeeHouse experience. We find a mellow uncrowded place called World Chillage and go in. I get a hash and tobacco cigarette and Jim gets plain marijuana. we both get small cokes in a bottle with a straw. There is a very detailed very colorful very hallucinogen-friendly mural on the wall. I get very high very quickly and need to do breathing and grounding exercises. now I remember why i don't do this. I decide to focus on the mural. I become very conscious of all my sensory input.
Click on the picture for more>
Teri is stoned...
I need chapstick, my back hurts, my eyes are tired. I feel "fuzzy". The colors on the mural seem super saturated. My eyes keep moving to another part of the incredibly detailed scenes-within -scenes wall length mural. I become aware of my squirrel brain looking for reasons why i can't relax. It takes me about 15 minutes to realize that I have a pretty high level of stress running in my body most of the time. I have come to this realization after reviewing every reason my brain runs at me for why I cannot relax and enjoy what is happening.
I think about where we have to be next?: nowhere actually. I think about, Äre my relationships with X ,Y, and Z safe?, Do I need to do any relationship maintenance?"the answer is No, Äll is Well". I think do I have any bodily needs to address? No. I think about PTSD and how I talk to my clients about unaddressed physical trauma keeping them hyper alert. I remember I am my own client and my own counselor. I start to breath and ground and do energy work again. The mural is helping me. I say to Jimbo "We are on vacation right?" and I can be as relaxed as I want for as long as i want right?"" he answers affirmatively. I am surprised to witness my own search for reasons to be stressed. SinterKlaus is coming at 2:30pm and it is now only 1:00pm. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go and i finally relax. Wow, it feels really really good.
Sinter Klaus
Now this is only a preview of "SinterKlaus; because this is where I am going to tell you what Jim and I experienced in the parade. The next post ( #6) will be some background on who SinterKlaus is, his mythology and some details of his story. I wanted to go to see SinterKlaus at first because it was in my Lonely Planet guide as a public event that occurs on the 3rd weekend of November. I then saw picture on posters and in store windows of SinterKlaus looking like a pope and these bizarre caricatures of black people in weird historical Dutch outfits. The outfits are (of usually only two) brightly contrasting colors: purple/yellow, or red/green . The hats are puffy round and then gathered around the head like a grandmother hat in fairy tale depictions of Little red Riding hood. The hats have feathers. The drawings are mostly cartoon like. I am immediately somewhat alarmed because this positioning of a white religious authority with cartoon distortions of black people could appear to be racist. The caricatures remind me of the Cartoon mascot of a native American that is the logo for the Cleveland Indians baseball team. This logo has disturbed me since I was 18 years old and is the source of an ongoing debate between my mother and I. Mom loves the Indians baseball team. She is very loyal.
So I have identified a political issue or two behind the lovely mixture of Christian Saint and pagan traditions that SinterKlaus is. I ask a lot of people about SinterKlaus. I talk to the Wild Side lesbians, I talk to Katie the sexologist, Jim and I talk to the owners of the Art Unlimited postcard store. Now Jim engages the help of a local family in unlocking the keys to who and why the Zwart Piets exist.
One of the great things about traveling with Jimbo
is that he will start talking to people next to us and ask them questions and 10 minutes later they are our friends and we have gotten a free lesson on Dutch culture of geography or politics. We stood next to this lovely heterosexual family with 2 children . The man was Dutch, the woman was from Mexico. Her sister and brother in law were there too. Her sister had just moved from Mexico but she has been here for 4 years. There are two boys one is about 4 and the other is maybe almost 2. Lovely. The little one is on his Dad's shoulders most of the time. The 4 year old is morphing various posies on the metal crowd control barrier the Police have set up in front of us. We are waiting for SinterKlaus and the Zwarte Piets. We wait for almost an hour before the parade begins. The parade goes on and on. When Jim and i sit down at a restaurant afterwards it is 4:45pm. During the waiting, we play with the kids and get the family history and Jim gets us a full blown education on SinterKlaus and the political implications of having white people wear black face and gold Imperial hoop earrings. Now what do I mean by Imperial earrings? I mean earrings just like those worn by people who were forced into slavery. I mean real historical Africans who were stolen from their homelands and shipped like possessions to the colonies of Imperialist countries where they were tortured and terrorized into being captive free labor for their oppressors.
Now that we are clear about the ambiguity and confusion the Zwarte Piets present back to the Parade. We are waiting, my knee hurts and so does my back. We are on uneven cobblestone streets pressed up against children and parents and other curious clueless tourist and we are all excited , we have that "what is about to happen?"anticipation. Jim and I start noticing, discussing and then taking pictures of children who are dressed as either SinterKlaus or Zwarte Piets. The children have costumes like those I described above and the ones playing Piets either have ashes rubbed on their faces or have a completely darkened face. We find this fascinating.
Above the Leidseplein Square where we are standing is a castle like building with a balcony. Suddenly in what seems to me to be an ear splitting volume, a man in red vest and white shirt is yelling into a mic about Are we ready for SinterKlaus. of course it is in Dutch but his questions and tome are unmistakable. have you been good or bad? Will the Piet's be giving you cookies or stuffing you into a sack? Good questions like that. He introduces the parade and keeps talking, introducing the parade sections as they come and go.
The parade has hundreds, no exaggeration here, hundreds, of Zwarte Piets, all either on Roller skates, on parade floats or marching in marching bands. The first hour of them do not have sacks with treats in them. There is a very well executed parade band which has a great s-curve spiral dance type marching formation. They stop in front of us to do thier dance piece. There outfits are half white and half black ( is this a reference to the Winter Equinox?). They are very good. All the other musicians ate Piets. There are a few and I mean less than 10 cars or non float vehicles in the parade. I do not understand the floats, one has a mammoth puppet on it that is ridden and driven by a Piet. One has a cannon that "works by shooting out candies". Why a cannon? Why a mammoth?
The second layer of Piets have sacks full of these little hard spice cookies. They have a special name I will look it up. It begins with a P__________.
The Piets now roller skate towards the children who are even more ferverently clinging to the metal crowd barriers. The kids are holding out hands, bags, and hats to get treats. Everyone is yelling Zwarte Piet, they start a refrain of Peit"s that make them sound like chirping birds waiting for worms. Next to us the mother from Mexico is doping her best to make sure everyone is having fun. She pushes my hand out to get the cookies. She grabs the flags when they come by and gives one to me. She is singing out and calling to the Peits and gosh darn is her kid getting a lot of cookies. She grabs the arms of the Piets and pulls them towards her for a few moments to flirt with and harass them . The initial moments of surprise or alarm the "Piet's have when they realize she is not letting go of their hands is entertaining. many of the Piet's although captured by the woman, flirt with Jim who is their height and hovering over myself and the other woman taking pictures. This is really a lot of fun.
The Zwarte Piets are all white people in black face makeup. It is startling that almost every one of them have intensely blue eyes. All of this Piet stuff goes on and on. I start to whine and say Where is SinterKlaus. The Piet's start to lead us in songs that every one else seem to know. They all sing along loudly and reward us with more cookies. Finally, Finally, I can see a guy in red on a white horse coming around the corner. There he is and he is beautiful. Long white beard and hair pope, I mean Saint hat, a golden crook and a speck less gorgeous white horse.
The parade is over and we rush off to find a place to pee and sit down. We end up in a Thai restaurant that is so so food wise and very very slow service wise, which was fine with us. When we leave we split up and I come to the houseboat to write postcards, ( better get on that, I did 26 and have 48 to go) and type this blog draft. Jim just got dressed and left for a night out in the Red District, Full report on that tomorrow.
Thanks for your interest in this blog and if you are reading it, why not post a comment so I can have feedback about the content and style of my writing.
I will come back to this post to put in missing info later on but for now, I got to get some sleep!
I am publishing this now but I will come back to this post to put in missing info later on.
During my conversations with the Wild Side dykes last night I connected with Katie Weille PhD about her research into BDSM. She wrote her PhD thesis in Psychology on upgrading psychologists conversations around BDSM. Basically why it should not be pathologized. Tania gave me a copy of her Thesis summary and connected us by phone so that I could meet with her at bagels and Beans at 9am.
I get up at 8am to get ready and inadvertently wake Jim who decided to go with me. Before Katie gets there Marg from Denmark, who i shared a tsaxi with Sat am, stops to chat on her way to the Wisdom course. We talk and several other Wisdom people go by offering greetings and smiles. I am starting to feel like a jerk about not going. I know I am completely out of integrity and I don't care. I am belligerent and defiant and about 3 I think. I tell Marg to tell the staff i am not coming and I am now free to spend the afternoon as a tourist. I want to see SinterKlaus.
We meet Katie but realize that no food place is open before 10:00am. End up back at the houseboat for toast, tangerines, tea and a dynamic intelligent conversation about paganism, polyamory and BDSM and the cross over between Sci-Fi geek and gaming communities in those sub cultures. Katie's research is really interesting and I am hoping to get a complete copy of it. A few of the chapter titles are:
After our fabulous conversation with Katie, Jim and I hed up to the Leidseplein for tourist-like activities like eating freshly made donuts ( boojeries???) and buying souvenirs.
We decide after going to a few stores including Art Unlimited postcards where I buy more than 30 postcards ( I have 74 people to send postcards to!). We are waiting for the SinterKlaus arrival and paraded at 2:30pm
We decide now is the time for our CoffeeHouse experience. We find a mellow uncrowded place called World Chillage and go in. I get a hash and tobacco cigarette and Jim gets plain marijuana. we both get small cokes in a bottle with a straw. There is a very detailed very colorful very hallucinogen-friendly mural on the wall. I get very high very quickly and need to do breathing and grounding exercises. now I remember why i don't do this. I decide to focus on the mural. I become very conscious of all my sensory input.
Click on the picture for more>
 |
| From Amsterdam |
Teri is stoned...
I need chapstick, my back hurts, my eyes are tired. I feel "fuzzy". The colors on the mural seem super saturated. My eyes keep moving to another part of the incredibly detailed scenes-within -scenes wall length mural. I become aware of my squirrel brain looking for reasons why i can't relax. It takes me about 15 minutes to realize that I have a pretty high level of stress running in my body most of the time. I have come to this realization after reviewing every reason my brain runs at me for why I cannot relax and enjoy what is happening.
I think about where we have to be next?: nowhere actually. I think about, Äre my relationships with X ,Y, and Z safe?, Do I need to do any relationship maintenance?"the answer is No, Äll is Well". I think do I have any bodily needs to address? No. I think about PTSD and how I talk to my clients about unaddressed physical trauma keeping them hyper alert. I remember I am my own client and my own counselor. I start to breath and ground and do energy work again. The mural is helping me. I say to Jimbo "We are on vacation right?" and I can be as relaxed as I want for as long as i want right?"" he answers affirmatively. I am surprised to witness my own search for reasons to be stressed. SinterKlaus is coming at 2:30pm and it is now only 1:00pm. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go and i finally relax. Wow, it feels really really good.
Sinter Klaus
Now this is only a preview of "SinterKlaus; because this is where I am going to tell you what Jim and I experienced in the parade. The next post ( #6) will be some background on who SinterKlaus is, his mythology and some details of his story. I wanted to go to see SinterKlaus at first because it was in my Lonely Planet guide as a public event that occurs on the 3rd weekend of November. I then saw picture on posters and in store windows of SinterKlaus looking like a pope and these bizarre caricatures of black people in weird historical Dutch outfits. The outfits are (of usually only two) brightly contrasting colors: purple/yellow, or red/green . The hats are puffy round and then gathered around the head like a grandmother hat in fairy tale depictions of Little red Riding hood. The hats have feathers. The drawings are mostly cartoon like. I am immediately somewhat alarmed because this positioning of a white religious authority with cartoon distortions of black people could appear to be racist. The caricatures remind me of the Cartoon mascot of a native American that is the logo for the Cleveland Indians baseball team. This logo has disturbed me since I was 18 years old and is the source of an ongoing debate between my mother and I. Mom loves the Indians baseball team. She is very loyal.
So I have identified a political issue or two behind the lovely mixture of Christian Saint and pagan traditions that SinterKlaus is. I ask a lot of people about SinterKlaus. I talk to the Wild Side lesbians, I talk to Katie the sexologist, Jim and I talk to the owners of the Art Unlimited postcard store. Now Jim engages the help of a local family in unlocking the keys to who and why the Zwart Piets exist.
One of the great things about traveling with Jimbo
 |
| From Amsterdam |
Now that we are clear about the ambiguity and confusion the Zwarte Piets present back to the Parade. We are waiting, my knee hurts and so does my back. We are on uneven cobblestone streets pressed up against children and parents and other curious clueless tourist and we are all excited , we have that "what is about to happen?"anticipation. Jim and I start noticing, discussing and then taking pictures of children who are dressed as either SinterKlaus or Zwarte Piets. The children have costumes like those I described above and the ones playing Piets either have ashes rubbed on their faces or have a completely darkened face. We find this fascinating.
Above the Leidseplein Square where we are standing is a castle like building with a balcony. Suddenly in what seems to me to be an ear splitting volume, a man in red vest and white shirt is yelling into a mic about Are we ready for SinterKlaus. of course it is in Dutch but his questions and tome are unmistakable. have you been good or bad? Will the Piet's be giving you cookies or stuffing you into a sack? Good questions like that. He introduces the parade and keeps talking, introducing the parade sections as they come and go.
The parade has hundreds, no exaggeration here, hundreds, of Zwarte Piets, all either on Roller skates, on parade floats or marching in marching bands. The first hour of them do not have sacks with treats in them. There is a very well executed parade band which has a great s-curve spiral dance type marching formation. They stop in front of us to do thier dance piece. There outfits are half white and half black ( is this a reference to the Winter Equinox?). They are very good. All the other musicians ate Piets. There are a few and I mean less than 10 cars or non float vehicles in the parade. I do not understand the floats, one has a mammoth puppet on it that is ridden and driven by a Piet. One has a cannon that "works by shooting out candies". Why a cannon? Why a mammoth?
The second layer of Piets have sacks full of these little hard spice cookies. They have a special name I will look it up. It begins with a P__________.
The Piets now roller skate towards the children who are even more ferverently clinging to the metal crowd barriers. The kids are holding out hands, bags, and hats to get treats. Everyone is yelling Zwarte Piet, they start a refrain of Peit"s that make them sound like chirping birds waiting for worms. Next to us the mother from Mexico is doping her best to make sure everyone is having fun. She pushes my hand out to get the cookies. She grabs the flags when they come by and gives one to me. She is singing out and calling to the Peits and gosh darn is her kid getting a lot of cookies. She grabs the arms of the Piets and pulls them towards her for a few moments to flirt with and harass them . The initial moments of surprise or alarm the "Piet's have when they realize she is not letting go of their hands is entertaining. many of the Piet's although captured by the woman, flirt with Jim who is their height and hovering over myself and the other woman taking pictures. This is really a lot of fun.
The Zwarte Piets are all white people in black face makeup. It is startling that almost every one of them have intensely blue eyes. All of this Piet stuff goes on and on. I start to whine and say Where is SinterKlaus. The Piet's start to lead us in songs that every one else seem to know. They all sing along loudly and reward us with more cookies. Finally, Finally, I can see a guy in red on a white horse coming around the corner. There he is and he is beautiful. Long white beard and hair pope, I mean Saint hat, a golden crook and a speck less gorgeous white horse.
The parade is over and we rush off to find a place to pee and sit down. We end up in a Thai restaurant that is so so food wise and very very slow service wise, which was fine with us. When we leave we split up and I come to the houseboat to write postcards, ( better get on that, I did 26 and have 48 to go) and type this blog draft. Jim just got dressed and left for a night out in the Red District, Full report on that tomorrow.
Thanks for your interest in this blog and if you are reading it, why not post a comment so I can have feedback about the content and style of my writing.
I will come back to this post to put in missing info later on but for now, I got to get some sleep!
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