Why I haven't written for a week

I have been reluctant to write for a week because I want to share myself in my blog but I am struggling with what level of privacy I want to work at. I am fine living my large and outloud life transparently. I need to be aware of the impact this has on my loved ones and the level of privacy they may desire. Confidentiality and consent are usually things I consider, or try to. My relationship with David W. is in the middle of a big transition. I want to talk about my life here and, I don't want to expose him to an unwanted level of public attention. So I have chosen, until now, to not discuss our transition. David is a huge part of my life. He is a brave and courageous man who has consistantly shared his truth with me whether or not this truth is pleasing to me. Last Sunday he shared that he no longer wants to be my primary partner. I was delighted to have him as my primary partner and am saddened by the change in the status of our relationship.

All week I have been on an emotional rollercoaster of grief and appreciation. Monday morning I wake up in a strange state of elation. I feel good, really good and strong. I know I haven't done anything "wrong". I know David loves me and I love him. I'm busy and I do my yoga and my water aerobics. I see my clients, amazing co-incidences occur. I make dates with old friends and lovers and reach out to make new connections. Tuesday I spend half the day immersed in a sense of freedom and pride that I can love someone enough to honor and respect their choices even when those choices are not to be with me. I spend the evening crying about the vision of the future I had become attached to. I call friends and get counseling and throw myself headlong into my work. I start to answer phone messages since before Amsterdam and say yes to activities and friends I have not made time for since the intense and deep romance with David started in February 2006. I miss David, alot. I start smoking cigarettes again. I lead my salon discussion about Sex Positive culture in Amsterdam.

Wed, I cancel my Holistic Peer COunseling class due to the impending snow storm and miss an opportunity to spend time with David because I have already made plans to have a girls night with Dawn and Priya. Thursday I see clients all day and have dinner with Michael S. a lover of my dear friend Caledonia who now lives in Washington D.C. Thursday night I call David and talk to him for an hour about his Landmark Self Expression and Leadership project. We focus on the important life works we are involved in and how we can support each other in staying engaged in these projects that inspire us and call us to be the best of who and what we are.

My psychic network is obviously working because in the course of this one week four of my former lovers call to ask me how I am doing and reconnect.A wave of the past is washing over as I am also reconnected to Ann Wood and Pam Dougherty who were in the band "The Art Sluts" with me in 1984-1986. Ann and I exchange a lot of email and a long phone call and we patch together a lot of the bands history. I will be writing a few blogs about the Art Sluts.

On Saturday I attend the closing session of the Landmark Wisdom Course and we talk about how the Eternal (which I call the Divine) has access to and through us in the following three models of "ALL THAT IS": 1)through World/Art as beauty 2)through Spirit/Being as an inquiry into Truth and 3)through Language/Community as Human Goodness. We were to make a choice between which of these 3 called to us most strongly. I could honestly not decide. Allena whispered to me that it was Being/Spirit as she saw me. I was in a wonderful emotional space where things apppeared quite beautific. During the event I was full of gratitude for David's beauty and goodness and how his self-inquiry allowed him to share his truth with me. I truly saw our transition as an opportunity for repose and relaxation. I was in a place of peace and full of amazement at the level of love and intimacy we have been able to exchange. Afterwards I went to the Hotflash dance and met up with some of my wonderful lesbian friends. I had a very deep conversation with my friend Tari that put my daily ego concerns in their place; petty and small concerns in the face of life and death matters.
Yesterday, Sunday, one week since David told me about his desire to change our relationship status. I am really doing well all day. I hang out with Diana and look at houseboats and go to the Ballard Market. I get my new laptop from Alicia for $50 and Diana offers me an operating system. I teach my "Owning Desire" workshop and it goes really well. I get home and see that his parents have sent me an email with pictures of their new puppy. I remember how much I enjoyed Thanksgiving with them. I cry until I fall asleep.

Today, I do yoga and go through the public library afterwards. I see advertising for a performance art piece called "The Maze" is occuring at 6:30pm tonight. I see clients,I go to Howard Hansen for a body talk energy medicine session.I am glowing and peaceful. I meet my new friend Treeza at Travellers and she tells me about the Peace Walk from Seattle to New York that she did a few years ago. We meet Gabriel at the public library and watch the performance art which is very stimulating. We have to go to different locations all over the library following a handbook of instructions (each person's is different). Each location has a different installation, some are dancers and some are just well, live installations I do not feel like taking the time to describe in full just now. And, really, you just had to be there. Actually you can look up a whole bunch of cool performance art that is happening throughout December by going to www.4culture.org There is some really wonderful stuff going on. One of the things I really like about Seattle is that there is so much accessible art here. So Teereza gets on her bus to Tacoma and Gabriel and I have nachos at Charlies and I come home and write this blog. I miss talking to David as we used to talk to each other everyday. Years of experience have taught me that this too shall pass. I know in my heart that our connection and love for each other is strong. I ultimately have faith that wherever this is leading, where I am is exactly the right way to be in the Now moment. Patience dear Teri, patience and treat yourself gently.