A Common definition of love

Here is my response to the seattle polyamory group postings defining love from 1/ 13/07

Yikes, the idea of love being "putting someone else's needs before your own", gives me the creeps. I think that is called fusion, (a polite term for codependence).

Here are the definitions of love that I teach in my classes and counseling practice:

"To truly love, we must learn to mix various ingredients- care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication."
bell hooks All About Love

"Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."
"Love is as love does. Love is an act of will-namely both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice.
We do not have to love. We choose to love."
From The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

It is my belief that unless we are clear in our language about the definition and meaning of words, we are not truly communicating.I strive to share or co-create a definition of love with people I want to be in intimate relationships with. I have learned with both pain and ease, that the term "polyamory" does not mean the same thing behaviorally to others as it does to me. I have actually begun to question whether the term is useful. I wonder, in fact, what words are useful without being defined???? I know that I definately have loving relationships at various levels of intimacy with more than one persons of more than two genders in more than 5 varieties of sexual acts and more than seven prefered role playing scenarios with over 10 toys and tools involved. Is that polyamory?

I'm not sure. I do know however, for myself, that it is not love if it does not involve stewardship of my own and another's personal growth. "Love is as love does" and requires behavior that goes above and beyond my ego-identified "wanting". The great thing about defining love is that it can then be enacted clearly and specifically. You can see if your behavior and the behavior of others is in line with the definition. If it falls short you can set out to learn the skills that are lacking. So love can become a skill that is developed. Most of the time our culture acts as if love is a mysterious cloud of FATE that we accidently fall into and become enchanted by. OOPs, what was that I stepped in?
With a little attention and intention we can commit to being love/loving. Using the hooks definiton we can go through each word and see where we have skill and where skill needs to be developed.

Let's take a minute and look at "open and honest communication" one of the 7 ingredients bell hooks requires in her definition of love.
It might be for example that a person does not have the skill of self-awareness that allows them to be in open and honest,(meaning, loving) communication with another. They might have had experiences that lead them to chose to withold information or deliberately "spin" information in the hopes of avoiding rejection or winning approval.A person at this level of development needs to become self-loving and self-accepting before they can be in honest and open communication with another person. They will also need an emotional spaciousness, a place of safety and respect where they can look at and be with their own internal process. They will need an environment where they truly are not being judged in order for them to have the experience of being accepted. If I am not certain who I am or how I feel, if I am not communicating openly and honestly with myself, how can I communicate in such a manner with you? I cannot. If you are "demanding" that I communicate honestly with you there is already judgment present that may inhibit my ability to speak the truth. If love is to be present, there must be room for every one to: 1) look inside and examine their experiences and 2)have a safe environment that allows authentic self- expression without punishment or reward. That's all for now!

Blessings,
Teri D. Ciacchi MSW
podcast: blog:
Creatrix of TerraFire Academy of Aphrodisiacal Living
Creating Sex-Positive Revolution, One Orgasm at a time.

Immense gratitude for Podcast & $1,000 in 24 hours

Jan 15th Blog entry
Sex Positive Revolutionaries, Visionaries, and Sexplorers

1st Podcast available on the web
I am so excited, Allena, David W. and I just completed our 1st podcast yesterday. It is our intention to do a new installment every 3 weeks. So here it is, Please check it out and give me your feedback. Please forward it to all your friends. It was so much fun to make, I hope you will find it fun to listen to.

http://web.mac.com/tazie
is the web address for "It's a Weenie White Boy World" podcast Episode #1
you'll have to cut and paste because apparently this blog does not support adding links.

Causing Miracles
I decided to be outrageous and "completely unreasonable" after attending my Landmark Living Passionately seminar last Thursday night. I had heard about an amazing internet service opportunity which would allow me to have everything I need to run my TerraFire Academy business website, blog, email etc, including the bandwidth required to support our new podcasing. If I paid $1000.00 by Monday January 15th, I could receive the services I needed (actually quite a bit more than I can currently utilize but will gladly grow into) for life. That's right for the rest of my life, or the life of the company whichever comes first. My beloved friend David Besonen helped me find this opportunity and facilitated the entire process. So I needed to find $1,000.00 by Midnight Sunday Jan 14th (tonight). I decided on Friday morning to call David B. and get all the info I needed to attempt to cause this miracle. I wrote a script detailing all the reasons why supporting this effort financially would be a good idea. At 5pm on Friday Jan 12th I started making phone calls. On Saturday Jan 13th at 3:30pm I had reached my goal. Tomorrow morning I will sign up for these services.

"Thank You!"s

Here are the people who made this miracle occur through their emotional and financial support: (Initials are used when last names will cause potential "outing" problems.)

David Besonen whose computer consultation resume is at: http://digitalrelief.com

Allena Gabosch, David W., Heather R., Gordon N. Rev., Rainbow Love, Eric J., Robyn Lynn, Connie Perez, Mistress Marry, Lisa, Vickie & Carrie Lynn at Wild at Heart, Kristin R., Susan H., O'Rion Barker, Jim B. who provides my cel phone, Gabriel A., Ki Rohn

Thanks to the following members of my Landmark family who sourced my attendance at the Living Passionately seminar, which sourced the energy to perform this miracle: Paul G., Rachel E., Justina, Allena & Heather

I also want to thank all of my counseling clients and people who attend my classes and workshops. You make my life work. Thanks for your support of my work! If anyone else would like to provide financial support for the continued expansion of my business please keep reading.

Yes, I want to deepen my support of sex positive culture

Yes, I want to continue and deepen my support of sex positive culture by supporting the work of Teri Ciacchi the TerraFire Academy of Aphrodisiacal Living.

This is an invitation for you to more deeply contribute to building sex positive culture through empowering my life work. My life work is "creating a healing sex positive culture that is respectful and empowering for all people". Being a contribution to meeting my goal is an opportunity to feel fulfilled, acknowledged and valued. This is an opportunity to be known as an advocate for sex positive culture and to connect to others doing this work. I will promote your gifts to me by acknowledging you in my newsletters on my website, in my podcasts or in any other manner you request.

My goal for TerraFire Academy this year is to go grow from my current ability to reach 877 people (current number of people receiving my email newsletters) to 8,000 through website, newsletters and podcasts. I have started creating the "weenie white boy world" podcast with
Allena Gabosch & David W.

Here are some of the things I need to grow my business.

I have a new laptop (thank you Alicia Powers!!) but need a Windows XP operating system. Does anyone have one?

I am currently looking for a website graphic designer. Any suggestions of people who provide these services or offers to help provide the service your self would be gladly accepted. I need to raise the funds to pay for this service.

I want to send out twice monthly email newsletters with graphics and pleasing easy to read text fonts. This will require me to either, pay for more education and learn to do this myself. Pay an internet email newsletter company to do this, pay some other geek who knows how to do this to do it.

I also would love any or all of the following items, I mean hey, why not ask? A blender, a toaster oven, a crock pot, a scanner, an i-pod, a blow dryer

So here is what I am up to. Anyone who wants to deepen their support of my work is welcome to do any of the following:

1) Gift me with any amount of money they wish (from $5.00 to $1,000.00)

2) Consider giving me a specific amount of money which will be used as payment in advance for my services*, you will then get coupons for the specific amount given. These coupons will be honored across any amount of time until you have received services equivalent to the amount paid. Coupons will be valued at the rates I am charging when the coupons are redeemed. Please see below * for a reminder of the vast array of services I provide.

3) Loan me any amount of money so I can meet my goals to have a new working laptop, and a new website with much better graphic design. My preference would be to get no interest loans. I am however, open to negotiating any form or repayment that is workable.

*My services include all of my classes and workshops, individual or couple or "adult family of choice" counseling sessions, and mediation. Coaching and emotional support for any life situation and ongoing goal setting and achievement. Teaching of communication skills, dating and other relationship skills. Consultation on how to do fundraisers, and any other business info relevant to how I have built my business up from $12,000.00 top $31,000 in one year are also included. My esoteric services include Natal Astrology charts and interpretations, Tarot readings, ritual consultation and enactment.

Polyamory, Non-Dualism & the Ego-identified self

WhatI posted to Seattle Polyamory Yahoo Group list Jan. 11,2007

Polyamory, Non-Dualism & the Ego-identified self
Identity, Morality, Personal Freedom, Projections, and Judgments, all of these themes are running through the correspondence on sea-poly for the last few weeks. I frequently read the postings but rarely write. I just returned home from a Landmark Living Passionately seminar and found myself making a commitment to be more fully alive. One way that I interpret being more alive is that I will actualize my potential to connect and communicate with others in dialogue (albeit written conversation rather than 3-D) rather than just reading and engaging in my own monologue.

An underlying theme in many of the posts is Dualism. The dominant world religions are dualistic. The religious doctrines of dualist religions have created the dualistic paradigms that we have been socialized in. Most of us do not recognize that dualism is culturally imposed human structure. I have a BA in Human Ecology from a private women's school in Columbia Missouri ( 1983, hey, I did say I am 44!). I became an Eco-feminist there. I learned academic language there. I used to call dualism a "false dichotomy". I think I got this from reading Shalimuth Firestone or Marge Piercy or Simone De Beauvior or some other "smart chick". When I use the language I learned at school it tends to alienate me from others so I have been looking for simpler words.

Late in 2006 I went to see Kate Borenstein, the famous queer author, activist and gender warrior. She taught me to say "Either/Or" Thinking. Let's simplify all of this and look at the idea that whenever a person or social structure asks you to chose between two things, to make an "Either/Or" choice that such a choice is a false choice. It is a false choice because there are always more than two options. Non-dualism is difficult to talk about because our language is completely structured around dualism: Good/Bad, Boy/Girl, Poly/Mono, Gay/Straight, Nature (that is to say: Biology)/Nuture (that is to say: Sociology). Our language is inadequate to our experience. Our stories are borrowed and passed onto us, written and lived out by those before us. Antiquated concepts that no longer serve us still confine our thinking and our conversations, and thus our reality: to what has already been.

What is there beyond "Either/Or"? How about Holism, which is easily represented by "Both/And" thinking. In 2003 Jean Robertson created a handout called "The New Context Conversation". I attended a workshop at the 2004 Network for a New Culture Summercamp by Geoff ____ ( not recalling his last name, famous documentor of Intentional Communities), & Lotus Allen where we discussed the profound differences between "Either/Or" and "Both/And" paradigms. I would be glad to share this document with anyone interested. I will bring copies to the Erotic Seattle Education Salon Allena is doing this Tuesday (16th) at the Capitol Club.

"Both/And" Identity
My conscious, intentional, self-defined ego identity lends itself to "Both/And" constructs. I am "both" Bi-sexual and Pan-sexual as there are more than two genders to engage with. I am "both" monogamous when I am starting a deep soul connecting relationship, (I used to say "primary partner" here but I am now actively seeking non-hierarchical words for the different levels of connectedness and intimacy I persistently seek) and polyamorous in my intense but spacious BDSM connections. I tend to want "both" a wide variety of sexual acts to engage in with many others "and" to keep the intimacy of penetrative acts to a chosen few people.

Recently I have been re-reading Rainer Maria Rilke's essays and fiction. I have also been digesting the work of Eckhardt Tolle. It occurs to me that all of our identities and ethical/moral judgments are based on ego-identification. Our ego's are extremely attached to naming and defining and creating a "false" sense of control. The ego is afraid of death and creates an orderly universe where things are judged as "Either Good Or Bad", "Either God Or Devil"; "Either Free Or Captive", ad finitum, ad nauseum. On and on our little squirrel brain egos natter, endlessly dividing "All That Is" into two narrow boxes that are "essentially" different and inherently seperate. So the main issue here is not actually what is better, best or more evolved as an identity. A concern I have recently become personally fascinated by is: why do I chose to identify primarily with my ego-based self, the "It" that constantly speaks in my head and acts as if "It" is all there is? It is the ego which creates a false sense of separation that has developed into "Either/ Or". Isn't it possible that we are "both" our ego identified little self "and" our inner Immanence or big S Self?

I have come to the realization that one of the reasons I am so motivated to have sex and engage in BDSM is that they shut off my "squirrel brain". During sexual acts and BDSM scenes I become so Present, so in the NOW moment that I leave my ego identification and enter my Essence identification (or hang out in various unspecified trance states in between). I love these moments so much that I have built my life around creating such events with other people and trying to teach them how to reach similar states. It took me quite a while to figure out that for some people leaving the ego identified self is terrifying rather than pleasurable. Oops, well, at least I figured that out. I am now in the process of trying to have Essence identified experiences "both" during sex "and" while engaging in other everyday activities. Not because sex is "good" or "bad" just because I love diversity, flexibility, fluidity and all those other "both/and" things a hedonistic sex positive woman wallows in. If you want to experiment with me or share your own experiences, contact me.


About me:
My name is Teri Ciacchi, I am 44 years old. My life work is to create a healing sex positive culture that is respectful and empowering to all people. I currently identify as a polyamorous bachelorette, ( Warning/Disclaimer: this identity changes daily with my mood and who I am with in the moment). I identify my ancestry as Italian-American although I am also German, French and Bohemian. I make my living as a Sexologist, Therapist and Sex Positive Educator. My business is "The TerraFire Academy of Aphrodisiacal Living". I started "Erotic Seattle Education" LLC with Allena Gabosch and Pan Vera in June 2006. I over use CAPITAL LETTERS and Title Case. If you want to know more about me because you do not already know me you can check out my website:

Sex Positive Revelations for 2007

Why not commit to living a more playful sensuous ecstatic life?

Join me in co-creating a culture based on a Love Ethic that increases the amount of closeness, intimacy and pleasure available to everyone. I have been doing a great deal of inner work in the past few weeks. The "Holy-Days" are usually a time of darkness for me that hold at least one episode of spiritual crisis. The last days of 2006 brought me into a deep awareness of my own fragility. I saw clearly that I had a choice between a) "surrendering to what is" in my most intimate relationships or b) continuing to suffer and create drama as I fought to remain attached to how "I think it should be". I found myself able to choose surrender and in doing so, I experienced an inner reservoir of graciousness and peace that I did not know was possible. I challenged myself to live by the definition of love that I teach in my classes and counseling practice:

"Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."
"Love is as love does. Love is an act of will-namely both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice.
We do not have to love. We choose to love."
From The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

I walked my talk. I chose to become a more loving and empowering presence in the world.

In the spirit of my deepening commitment to world transformation, I ask you to read what I am writing for you here with a sense of curiosity and an open mind.

What would it be like to live in a world without sexual shame, fear of rape, assault or abuse? Wouldn't you like to find out? Many times when I sit down to write to you I wonder if I am really being of use. I am aware that people have judgments about sex positive culture. How is talking about jealousy in a public forum useful? Why investigate a self- repressed desire to be dominated or to dominate? What could be important about looking into an unpleasant childhood incident of guilt or embarrassment? Is it clear to you that attending to your personal sexual healing can be the cause of transformation on both an individual and societal level?

Part of the hazard of doing sex positive work in a sex negative culture is that people discount or disregard sexual healing work. Sacred Sexuality is seen as unimportant, frivolous, or even a contradiction in terms. A great many people are seriously distressed, suffering from the belief that they are un-loveable, un-desirable or permanently damaged in some way. For many of us, these internal messages were generated in past experiences of abuse that have not been fully cleared. Traumatic incidents lodge themselves in us as energy blockages and create what Eckhardt Tolle (author of The Power of Now, Stillness Speaks and A New Earth) calls "the Pain Body". Most of us are run by our ego identified self which thrives on our pain body. We are unconscious, disassociated and emotionally distressed. We are unhappy, dissatisfied and certain that this is "as good as it gets".

Why is it important to attend to our own healing, sexual and otherwise? We are living in a time of "Inconvenient Truths" (thank you Al Gore) when human suffering and narcissism has driven other species into the fastest rate of extinction since the coming of the ice age. We are living in a time when the earth's capacity to sustain "life as we know it" is becoming questionable. These concepts are no longer apocalyptic conspiracy theories; they are a glaring scientifically evident reality.

There is a direct connection between our ability and willingness to consciously inhabit our bodies and our ability and willingness to attend to the Planet's well being. Sexual wounds are often the deepest and most repressed wounds of all. Conversely, when we shine the light of conscious aware attention on these wounds a powerful and holistic energy shift can occur. Releasing ourselves from the past allows us to become present in the here and now. Until we attend to and accomplish our own sexual healing, the World; the actual physical Earth we live upon, cannot have our conscious attention. Sexual Healing is now the existential responsibility of every human who is interested in having human evolution be a part of the Earth's future.

Fortunately it is possible to heal through play, pleasure and sense awareness. Sexual Healing does not have to be an ominous re-traumatizing process. Some of the simple tasks at hand are: 1) investigating where we are silent and choosing to speak, 2) seeing where we are numb and bringing our attention to these places, 3) listening to each other and finding we are not alone, 4) holding a compassionate space, within for our selves and without for others, to be seen and witnessed, 5) asking for, offering and providing physical affection as an end to itself.
With all of this in mind, please consider participating in the events I host or teach by visiting www.terrafire.org, or create and invite others to Sex Positive events of your own.