Polyamory, Non-Dualism & the Ego-identified self
Identity, Morality, Personal Freedom, Projections, and Judgments, all of these themes are running through the correspondence on sea-poly for the last few weeks. I frequently read the postings but rarely write. I just returned home from a Landmark Living Passionately seminar and found myself making a commitment to be more fully alive. One way that I interpret being more alive is that I will actualize my potential to connect and communicate with others in dialogue (albeit written conversation rather than 3-D) rather than just reading and engaging in my own monologue.
An underlying theme in many of the posts is Dualism. The dominant world religions are dualistic. The religious doctrines of dualist religions have created the dualistic paradigms that we have been socialized in. Most of us do not recognize that dualism is culturally imposed human structure. I have a BA in Human Ecology from a private women's school in Columbia Missouri ( 1983, hey, I did say I am 44!). I became an Eco-feminist there. I learned academic language there. I used to call dualism a "false dichotomy". I think I got this from reading Shalimuth Firestone or Marge Piercy or Simone De Beauvior or some other "smart chick". When I use the language I learned at school it tends to alienate me from others so I have been looking for simpler words.
Late in 2006 I went to see Kate Borenstein, the famous queer author, activist and gender warrior. She taught me to say "Either/Or" Thinking. Let's simplify all of this and look at the idea that whenever a person or social structure asks you to chose between two things, to make an "Either/Or" choice that such a choice is a false choice. It is a false choice because there are always more than two options. Non-dualism is difficult to talk about because our language is completely structured around dualism: Good/Bad, Boy/Girl, Poly/Mono, Gay/Straight, Nature (that is to say: Biology)/Nuture (that is to say: Sociology). Our language is inadequate to our experience. Our stories are borrowed and passed onto us, written and lived out by those before us. Antiquated concepts that no longer serve us still confine our thinking and our conversations, and thus our reality: to what has already been.
What is there beyond "Either/Or"? How about Holism, which is easily represented by "Both/And" thinking. In 2003 Jean Robertson created a handout called "The New Context Conversation". I attended a workshop at the 2004 Network for a New Culture Summercamp by Geoff ____ ( not recalling his last name, famous documentor of Intentional Communities), & Lotus Allen where we discussed the profound differences between "Either/Or" and "Both/And" paradigms. I would be glad to share this document with anyone interested. I will bring copies to the Erotic Seattle Education Salon Allena is doing this Tuesday (16th) at the Capitol Club.
"Both/And" Identity
My conscious, intentional, self-defined ego identity lends itself to "Both/And" constructs. I am "both" Bi-sexual and Pan-sexual as there are more than two genders to engage with. I am "both" monogamous when I am starting a deep soul connecting relationship, (I used to say "primary partner" here but I am now actively seeking non-hierarchical words for the different levels of connectedness and intimacy I persistently seek) and polyamorous in my intense but spacious BDSM connections. I tend to want "both" a wide variety of sexual acts to engage in with many others "and" to keep the intimacy of penetrative acts to a chosen few people.
Recently I have been re-reading Rainer Maria Rilke's essays and fiction. I have also been digesting the work of Eckhardt Tolle. It occurs to me that all of our identities and ethical/moral judgments are based on ego-identification. Our ego's are extremely attached to naming and defining and creating a "false" sense of control. The ego is afraid of death and creates an orderly universe where things are judged as "Either Good Or Bad", "Either God Or Devil"; "Either Free Or Captive", ad finitum, ad nauseum. On and on our little squirrel brain egos natter, endlessly dividing "All That Is" into two narrow boxes that are "essentially" different and inherently seperate. So the main issue here is not actually what is better, best or more evolved as an identity. A concern I have recently become personally fascinated by is: why do I chose to identify primarily with my ego-based self, the "It" that constantly speaks in my head and acts as if "It" is all there is? It is the ego which creates a false sense of separation that has developed into "Either/ Or". Isn't it possible that we are "both" our ego identified little self "and" our inner Immanence or big S Self?
I have come to the realization that one of the reasons I am so motivated to have sex and engage in BDSM is that they shut off my "squirrel brain". During sexual acts and BDSM scenes I become so Present, so in the NOW moment that I leave my ego identification and enter my Essence identification (or hang out in various unspecified trance states in between). I love these moments so much that I have built my life around creating such events with other people and trying to teach them how to reach similar states. It took me quite a while to figure out that for some people leaving the ego identified self is terrifying rather than pleasurable. Oops, well, at least I figured that out. I am now in the process of trying to have Essence identified experiences "both" during sex "and" while engaging in other everyday activities. Not because sex is "good" or "bad" just because I love diversity, flexibility, fluidity and all those other "both/and" things a hedonistic sex positive woman wallows in. If you want to experiment with me or share your own experiences, contact me.
About me:
My name is Teri Ciacchi, I am 44 years old. My life work is to create a healing sex positive culture that is respectful and empowering to all people. I currently identify as a polyamorous bachelorette, ( Warning/Disclaimer: this identity changes daily with my mood and who I am with in the moment). I identify my ancestry as Italian-American although I am also German, French and Bohemian. I make my living as a Sexologist, Therapist and Sex Positive Educator. My business is "The TerraFire Academy of Aphrodisiacal Living". I started "Erotic Seattle Education" LLC with Allena Gabosch and Pan Vera in June 2006. I over use CAPITAL LETTERS and Title Case. If you want to know more about me because you do not already know me you can check out my website:
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