Re-entry Blues and Owning Desire research

Bumming out
I got up around 6am, after being awake and making lists of things to do for quite a while. Decided I wanted to do research for my class "Owning Desire" next Sunday Dec 3rd (it's 5:30-7:30pm at Wild at Heart 1111 Leary Way NW in Ballard (206) 782-5538.

I am feeling a bit depressed. I think, now that I have slept off all the jet lag, I am a little sad to be back in my "regular" life. I do love my wonderful life, but being in another country on vacation was so extraordinary that waking up in my bed alone was not so great. I also tend to worry and obsess about my relationships. I want to know "where they are going", I want to ensure they are intentional. I want to eliminate my occassional sense of dependency and fear of abandonment. I want to feel and expereince pleasure and desire without pleasure and desire becoming the central focus of the relationships. Such a hard task for the incredibly hedonistic and self-centered pagan being that I am.

I went to the Starbucks 3 blocks from my house at about 6:45am, because it is a business that is open at that hour. I read an article by Willow pearson of the Integral Institute ( associated with Ken Wilber ) about the construction of desire. Fascinating breakdown of social interactions into: a spiral of time, levels of development across four quadrants, and lines of growth/variation within quadrants. Took me a while but I found myself able to imagine and then see this holistic model of life whihc is postmodern as compared to the "common" consensual reality of "Either/Or" reality that dualistic paradigms impose on us. I will use the division of desire into 4 quadrants in my work. Had a very interesting conversation about sexuality and desire with a homeless woman and a magnet salesman, quite fun.

I moved to Cafe Septieme for brteakfast at 9am and began reading a 2004 issue of the Buddhist magazine Tricycle. The issue is devoted to "the Riddle of Desire". It turns out that not all Buddhists advocate the elimination of desire. In fact, from what I learned in this series of articles; Buddhism is requesting that we be present with desire, neither repressing nor rushing to fulfill the yearning or obtain the object which is being "sought after". The idea is to be fully with the desire, notice its location in the body, see how and where it arises. To come fully into the emotional experience of desire itself and just "be with it" seems to be the goal. I consider learning this practice. It is shown that several people, using this technique find the desire shifting and transorming into other feelings and memories. Reaching an understanding of the origin of these sensations/feelings seems to help some people release their attachment to desire. They still feel desire as one of the many feelings humans continually experience, they just do not act on the compulsive pull to fulfill the desire.

There are several other aspects of desire I want to explore in this class. I want to more fully understand and teach about Polly Young-Eisendrath's distinctions between socialized tendencies to be either sexual objects or sexual subjects. She suggests we be more intentional and feel freer to move between these two poles.

I will also be re-reading and integrating Jack Morin's book "The Erotic Mind" which helps people look at the personal historic origins of their sexual tendencies and fantasies. Another way to frame his book is that it looks at how we come to identify desire for ourselves. I will merge this with my own concepts of "sourcing authentic desire" which for me means looking critically at any lack of continuity between what we say we want/ what we actually do sexually/ and what the common culture "will allow us" ro desire without punishment or other negative consequences.The ability to look behind the things we have been socialized to desire is rare:
Here are a few stereotypes we are all familiar with: "titties and beer" (huh, huh said in a stupid male adolescent accent like Bevis and Butthead), or young "barely legal"porn stars with blonde pony tails in videos, or Tall dark and handsome secret agents, or built up muscular gay man with a big dick etc etc etc. These are the images blared at us from every orifice of the media streams we live within.
Is there a difference between what we are taught to desire ( and thus "must" desire in order to conform to the culturally appropriate gender we have been assigned at birth) and what really turns us on physically? My understanding is that desire first arises as a physical sensation in the body, as all other feelings do. MOur culture is so body phobic and sex negative that many of us are numb and unaware of our somatic expereinces.Many people need to be brought into awareness of their own bodily sensations and be able to identify them as feeling states. Desire can be a very uncomfortable feeling especially when it is associated with weakness and potential rejection. How do we reclaim desire as our own? What is a sex positive framewrk for desire? How do we own desire and act on it without being swept up into an endless state of sexual yearning that threatens to overwhelm us? How do we learn to temper our own desires and get our needs met when partners do not share the same desires or sexual drives?

As a fat woman; as a counselor; as a sex educator who is very sexually active and a self described intimacy slut and sacred whore, these questions have been a focus of mine for some time. Most people who become my lovers have either deconstructed their desire before meeting me or end up doing so as a result of being in relationship with me. I really do not like to think about the number of times I have heard from a lover that I am the" largest person they have ever been with" This conversation is boring and predictible. I had even told one of my lovers that I never wanted to hear that and he forgot and said it to me any way. Sigh. I am not a person that is attractive to people who are steeped in the "common" mainstream lifestyle. Or this has been my belief/conversation for a long time. My relationship with David W. comes as close as I ever have to challenging this notion.

These are the topics and realms I wish to explore with the people who attend next Sunday's workshop.maybe you'll join me. I would also be glad to receive email with any commentary on these inquiries:

I have spent the afternoon and evening writing about and contemplating these things at Jeff and Rukh's house in Columbia City. Now I will go out and have a drink before turning in for the night. I am really looking forward to brunch with Connie tomorrow morning!
Blessed Be!

Back in Seattle Wed 22nd & Turkey Day

Jim and I returned to Seattle on Wed evening one hour after the time that we left Amsterdam very strange, very jetlagged.

Terrible plane ride back several screaming children, an intense headache that made me cry for about 15 minutes. The worst part of an otherwise amazing trip.

Went right to bed after unpacking suitcases. House was beautiful because of C.D. and Kristen who had come over to clean and fix things in my absence. Called Kristen to see if she would come over. Feel asleep until he got there around 6pm or so. Gave her all the cool clothes I bought at a discount store. Two very goth skirts, one shirt with a photograph design of roses all over it. Two pairs of incredible Italian stockings; one violet full length with spiral design, one calf length turquoise with geometric design. So cool! We ate some chocolate hedgehogs and taked a bit. It is not a mistake that I am changing gender pronouns for Kristen. I will explain her genderfluidity in some future blog entry.

Kristen left and I went back to sleep until David W. came over. Before I left to stay over at David's house, I gave him all the presents I bought for him, including a little red enamel teapot and, (ta da! the best gift of all) a new butterfly knife with bird's eye maple wood on the handles. David has a knife collection that he is very proud of. I have really come to appreciate knives and started my own collection. He gave me my first knife ever as a birthday present this year. He got quite a few other presents from Amsterdam that I don't feel the need to list. He seemed very happy.

David was very loving and physically affectionate with me. He really took care of me all night, (and the next day too), and I felt loved and cherished. I packed what I needed to spend Thursday and most of Friday with him and we went directly to his house in Renton. We made ravioli and defrosted some of my excellent marinara sauce. Lovely dinner. We laid in front of his freplace for a bit and went to sleep.
We stayed in bed for an incredibly long time in the morning snuggling and playing and talking. We edited my photographs from Amsterdam and then it was already time to go to his parents for Thanksgiving. I talked to my mom and my sisters in Cleveland ( my brother is hard to reach), which is a Turkey day tradition. Found out my little sister Geri has a website for her Janis Joplin tribute band:Ball & Chain! Check it out at:

Meanwhile back at my partner's parents house: wonderful dinner, relaxed low key evening eating great food and watching "Hidden Dragon Crouching Tiger". Such a beautiful film but I had forgotten what a tragedy is. Fortunately David's mom handed me a tissue at just the right moment.

Friday morning we ran around doing errands: fixing my cel phone by getting a new charger, trying to find David some new blue jeans. Suddenly it was 4pm and time to part. I went back home had several long phone conversations with people I had to tell about my Amsterdam adventures! Went to sleep, it was only 8:30pm.

Last Tram in Amsterdam

Today was the last day to explore and really be with Amsterdam. I kind of want to go home and I kind of want to stay here. I miss people in Seattle, and I am aware that I have only experienced a small slice of the whole Amsterdam Pie. I am also really not looking forward to the jet lag, ugh!

(Almost the) Last Breakfast in Amsterdam
We got up around 9am knowing that the breakfast place we have chosen is open at 10am. We get there close 10am. I did not bring my umbrella and 1/2 way to this place ( only 6 blocks or so from the houseboat) it starts to hail. I am upset about how wet and cold I get. We get to our lovely Mediterranean deli owned by a beautiful man and his son. Jim and i had lunch here yesterday. Jim had a lamb brookjie ( sandwich ) with garlic sauce. I had this little lamb meatloaf patty and something that was a cross between a croissant and stromboli. Mushrooms, peppers and onions on a thin crust, like a pizza, but rolled up like a burrito and then baked. Delicious!

Wow, I really want to finish this post but I'm in the houseboat and my feet are freezing. I have socks on and I turned the heat all the way up but it is not making a significant difference. I will put a towel on the floor and if that works, I'll keep writing otherwise it will have to wait until i get home.

Okay there is a towel on the floor and I'm still cold so we'll see how long this lasts.

Back in the deli Jim and i are having a lovely conversation with the owner, most of it translated by his 20 something son. I have asked where to get all these lovely little coffee spoons that they have everywhere. The guy actually goes in the back of his store and comes back in a few minutes with spoons. He offers me the spoons and they are some really lovely ones with inlays and designs. Jim and i explain that we need ugly dirty spoons for an art project. We tell him we are going to Albert Cuyptmart and he tells us where to buy them inexpensively. After chocolate croissants and tea we go 3 doors further up the street to a lovely chocolate shop. I am not going to tell you what I got because i want to surprise several people. Suffice it to say that I spent an unreasonable amount of money on an unreasonable amount of chocolate. Yum! We go into a few discount clothing stores and get some stuff. Kristen is going to love me when she sees what I got her !!! We realize we have too much stuff to carry and i still want my umbrella. Jim keeps looking at shoes and i head back to the houseboat. I unload and am ready to leave again but no Jimbo. I decide to leave anyway and meet him on the path. I communicate that i am going to go to the graveyard down the street to take pictures. Jim will meet me at the Tram stop.

The graveyard is very old and lovely. There are headstones from 1901 and up. Vines everywhere. I take a lot of pictures. There is a young couple eating lunch. There bikes are parked in a space between trees that leads on into the horizon, a field, a pond and an incredible sky with wonderful cloud formations. I take a lot of pictures. I am frustrated with the flash. I want to ask David to teach me more about cameras soon, so i can achieve the results i want. I meet a Dutch biology teacher who tells me what a special place it is. he comes there on his horse a lot. Today he is just on a bike. He tells me about the artist who lives in the house on the property. he tells me there is a book coming out about the graveyard early in 2007. he tells me about the 800 apartment complex being built across the Schnikel canal and the roadway they are going to put in between the houseboat we are staying in and the graveyard. I am sad about all of this. I leave and walk to the Hoofenstraat square. Jim finds me and we go to Albert Cuypmarkt.

Albert Cuypmarkt

The biggest and oldest outdoor market in Amsterdam is 101years old. Jim and I have a lot of fun and buy stuff. Jim eats raw herring with onions. The idea of it grosses me out but I try some. Jim reminds me how much i like sushi and I realize i am being ridiculous. I may write more about what happened at this market when i get home. I do not want to tell the people I got stuff for what I got them. I went to the spoon store and bought 120 small caffe spoons for 20 euro. This is a great deal. I now have enough spoons for 120 more copies of my Dirty Spoon chapbook. They are the perfect size! This makes me incredibly happy! Jim and I leave the market 2 hours after arriving. We take a Tram to Central Station. We think we are going to the museum of Modern art called the Stijlmuseum ( this means Style). When we get there we don't wanna go anymore. We decide to split up and keep shopping. I go to a store called "Old Man" I can't tell you what i got yet there. What a tease I am. I realize i look like an outrageous ( my hat and scarf are "very dramatic" as one of the lesbians commented), middle aged tourist from America. I realize that I am an outrageous middle aged tourist from America, and "so what?"

I get on a #2 Tram and go back to the square by the houseboat. i decide I want to go to a pub and have a beer and some authentic Dutch food. I have two Amstel Bock dark beers and a wonderful meal with beans and sausage and a fried egg, there are also pickle slices and pickled pearl onions. I enjoy it. When i comment to the waitress how everywhere I have gone there has been American music she puts on some traditional Dutch music ( see how accommodating they are here?).

I get home and Jim is there already watching TV. He is surprised I arrived after him. he is wanting to get ready for the palm reading he is doing at 9pm. He met a guy on line the other night and arranged to meet him and his two friends for dinner. I decide I want to go to the Deco Sauna and get a massage. We both pack our bags first. We leave together on the tram and split after two stops. I am anxious that I don't have enough money so I get off at the Dam where I know there is a money machine. I get back on the tram for another stop and head to the Deco Spa. I find it adter some struggle. It is on a residential street ( like most of the coolest things are). It just has a tiny sign. I walk down and enter the door. I am greeted by a nose full of fragrant moist air. It is amazing in here. Real Art Deco. Go see the website, you'll be amazed www.decosauna.nl

As it turns out getting on and off the tram for the money was a mistake. i had enough money and They close at 11pm which means people stop being in the sauna and getting massages at 10:30. I have arrived at 10:20 . She won't let me in. She gives me the name of another sauna and says they are open til midnight. i go as fast as i can across two more canals and cobblestone streets. The Sauna Kaizer is also closed and only open to men from 7pm-Midnight anyway. oh poop! Now i am tired and disappointed. I decide to stop and rest and look around and just take in what is there. I drink in my surroundings. I take a few more pictures. I walk back to the kafe where Jim and I ate our first meal here last Thursday. I go in and notice there is a green man etched into the glass on the front door. I sit and drink two hot chocolates with kahlua. I talk to the bartenders. This bar is 250 years old. It is beautiful. The wood is so worn and dark. It is so comfortable. They have lit a candle at my little table. I take some notes for my blog entries. I leave slowly and get on the Tram. It is the last Tram i will take in Amsterdam. I come to the houseboat and start writing to you.

Goodnight! See some of you this weekend. Love, Teri

Jim's hangover, Searching the Joordan for House of Heads and Fotographic

A Slow Start
Well, the day started off slow as I was up and ready to go around 10:30
but Jim had a hangover. I knew I could leave without him but I would not be able to communicate with him ( damn cel phone doesn't work!), and I so enjoy his company. So I stayed. I researched my travel books. I wrote more postcards.
I made detailed plans for what to do with our day while Jim recovered

Joordan shopping and strolling
I wanted to go to the one and only woman owned sex toy store that I knew of.Walking walking walking, and then we get to Female & Partners sex toy store. It is a lot smaller than i thought. It is smaller than my studio apartment! Lots of great fetish clothing I mean stuff that could be on a Sci-Fi movie set! The sex toys were scant really and the floggers and bondage gear were mostly for show. Once again I realize how fortunate we are in Seattle to have Babeland and all the independent artists who make sex toys, bondage equiptment and floggers and sell them at the S.P.C.C. Vendor Fairs. I am so spoiled!

Mistaken shop identity
We head off toward what I think is Fotographic because I want to find some photography for David. So we stroll a long way on many little cobblestone streets. Jim has used my marks in the Lonely Planet book to navigate and 45 min later we arrive at a very closed NationalPhotographic Museum. Oops! I look and see that the store I want, Fotographic, is not even open on Mondays.
We stop at Tulip Museum and get some bulbs for Priya. We stop for some tea, hot chocolate and appletarte (pie with whip cream!)in a pub. We take lots and lots of pictures. I stop in at the Jose art gallery, wonderful art!

We wander around stumbling on cobblestone and looking at canals

From Amsterdam

From Amsterdam

From Amsterdam

We look for the House of heads in the rain and get cranky. We find it! The heads are Demeter, Apollo, Artemis,Dionysus, Athena and Hermes

From Amsterdam

From Amsterdam

Tourists again
Got more postcards, ( did I mention I am sending a total of 74?), looked for chocolate at the very fancy and intimidating Department Store ( begins with a B). I wanted to get a chocolate letter for all of my dear ones. Jim got more info from the lady at the chocolate counter about Sinter Klaus. When we asked "why do you eat candy in the shapes of pigs rats and frogs?" She did not know. So far no one seems to know. The pig is made of Marzipan and is eaten over time slowly. The Chocolate letters are to put in the children's shoes by the hearth.

At my insistence ( my knees really hurt) we got on an incredibly crowded #2Tram. Jim engages a lovely German named Felix in a 30 min conversation about languages. We get off the tram at "Hoofen whatever "and buy food from an Indonesian deli.

A healing from Marion
Get home to the houseboat where we are meeting a lovely lesbian named Marion. I met her at my class on Saturday and during our talks at the pub I found out that she does Alphawave healings. I listened to music and she talked to me and helped me do visualizations. i specifically worked on some of the sources of my PTSD ( remember when I got stoned how I was aware of being anxious). I felt a lot better after the treatment.

Jim and I think we are going to go out to the Melkweg (Milky Way) but I start writing postcards and he starts putting his photos on the computer and the next thing you know it is 2am and I am writing this blog. Going to sleep now. Oh yes, I Finished writing all 74 postcards. Yippee!

Who is SinterKlaus

3rd weekend of November is the arrival of Sinter Klaus from Spain, with all his blackfaced helpers. (slaves?)

Dec 5th is Sinter Klaus Day (like his birthday some say)

Here are some pictures with captions written by Jim. (more from me on this topic later)
CLICK ON THE PHOTOS to read the captions - and view the rest of our Amsterdam Photos posted so far.

From Amsterdam

From Amsterdam

From Amsterdam

Bailing on the Wisdom Course & preview of SinterKlaus

Sunday Sunday

I am publishing this now but I will come back to this post to put in missing info later on.

During my conversations with the Wild Side dykes last night I connected with Katie Weille PhD about her research into BDSM. She wrote her PhD thesis in Psychology on upgrading psychologists conversations around BDSM. Basically why it should not be pathologized. Tania gave me a copy of her Thesis summary and connected us by phone so that I could meet with her at bagels and Beans at 9am.

I get up at 8am to get ready and inadvertently wake Jim who decided to go with me. Before Katie gets there Marg from Denmark, who i shared a tsaxi with Sat am, stops to chat on her way to the Wisdom course. We talk and several other Wisdom people go by offering greetings and smiles. I am starting to feel like a jerk about not going. I know I am completely out of integrity and I don't care. I am belligerent and defiant and about 3 I think. I tell Marg to tell the staff i am not coming and I am now free to spend the afternoon as a tourist. I want to see SinterKlaus.

We meet Katie but realize that no food place is open before 10:00am. End up back at the houseboat for toast, tangerines, tea and a dynamic intelligent conversation about paganism, polyamory and BDSM and the cross over between Sci-Fi geek and gaming communities in those sub cultures. Katie's research is really interesting and I am hoping to get a complete copy of it. A few of the chapter titles are:

After our fabulous conversation with Katie, Jim and I hed up to the Leidseplein for tourist-like activities like eating freshly made donuts ( boojeries???) and buying souvenirs.

We decide after going to a few stores including Art Unlimited postcards where I buy more than 30 postcards ( I have 74 people to send postcards to!). We are waiting for the SinterKlaus arrival and paraded at 2:30pm

We decide now is the time for our CoffeeHouse experience. We find a mellow uncrowded place called World Chillage and go in. I get a hash and tobacco cigarette and Jim gets plain marijuana. we both get small cokes in a bottle with a straw. There is a very detailed very colorful very hallucinogen-friendly mural on the wall. I get very high very quickly and need to do breathing and grounding exercises. now I remember why i don't do this. I decide to focus on the mural. I become very conscious of all my sensory input.
Click on the picture for more>

From Amsterdam

Teri is stoned...
I need chapstick, my back hurts, my eyes are tired. I feel "fuzzy". The colors on the mural seem super saturated. My eyes keep moving to another part of the incredibly detailed scenes-within -scenes wall length mural. I become aware of my squirrel brain looking for reasons why i can't relax. It takes me about 15 minutes to realize that I have a pretty high level of stress running in my body most of the time. I have come to this realization after reviewing every reason my brain runs at me for why I cannot relax and enjoy what is happening.

I think about where we have to be next?: nowhere actually. I think about, Äre my relationships with X ,Y, and Z safe?, Do I need to do any relationship maintenance?"the answer is No, Äll is Well". I think do I have any bodily needs to address? No. I think about PTSD and how I talk to my clients about unaddressed physical trauma keeping them hyper alert. I remember I am my own client and my own counselor. I start to breath and ground and do energy work again. The mural is helping me. I say to Jimbo "We are on vacation right?" and I can be as relaxed as I want for as long as i want right?"" he answers affirmatively. I am surprised to witness my own search for reasons to be stressed. SinterKlaus is coming at 2:30pm and it is now only 1:00pm. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go and i finally relax. Wow, it feels really really good.


Sinter Klaus
Now this is only a preview of "SinterKlaus; because this is where I am going to tell you what Jim and I experienced in the parade. The next post ( #6) will be some background on who SinterKlaus is, his mythology and some details of his story. I wanted to go to see SinterKlaus at first because it was in my Lonely Planet guide as a public event that occurs on the 3rd weekend of November. I then saw picture on posters and in store windows of SinterKlaus looking like a pope and these bizarre caricatures of black people in weird historical Dutch outfits. The outfits are (of usually only two) brightly contrasting colors: purple/yellow, or red/green . The hats are puffy round and then gathered around the head like a grandmother hat in fairy tale depictions of Little red Riding hood. The hats have feathers. The drawings are mostly cartoon like. I am immediately somewhat alarmed because this positioning of a white religious authority with cartoon distortions of black people could appear to be racist. The caricatures remind me of the Cartoon mascot of a native American that is the logo for the Cleveland Indians baseball team. This logo has disturbed me since I was 18 years old and is the source of an ongoing debate between my mother and I. Mom loves the Indians baseball team. She is very loyal.

So I have identified a political issue or two behind the lovely mixture of Christian Saint and pagan traditions that SinterKlaus is. I ask a lot of people about SinterKlaus. I talk to the Wild Side lesbians, I talk to Katie the sexologist, Jim and I talk to the owners of the Art Unlimited postcard store. Now Jim engages the help of a local family in unlocking the keys to who and why the Zwart Piets exist.

One of the great things about traveling with Jimbo

From Amsterdam

is that he will start talking to people next to us and ask them questions and 10 minutes later they are our friends and we have gotten a free lesson on Dutch culture of geography or politics. We stood next to this lovely heterosexual family with 2 children . The man was Dutch, the woman was from Mexico. Her sister and brother in law were there too. Her sister had just moved from Mexico but she has been here for 4 years. There are two boys one is about 4 and the other is maybe almost 2. Lovely. The little one is on his Dad's shoulders most of the time. The 4 year old is morphing various posies on the metal crowd control barrier the Police have set up in front of us. We are waiting for SinterKlaus and the Zwarte Piets. We wait for almost an hour before the parade begins. The parade goes on and on. When Jim and i sit down at a restaurant afterwards it is 4:45pm. During the waiting, we play with the kids and get the family history and Jim gets us a full blown education on SinterKlaus and the political implications of having white people wear black face and gold Imperial hoop earrings. Now what do I mean by Imperial earrings? I mean earrings just like those worn by people who were forced into slavery. I mean real historical Africans who were stolen from their homelands and shipped like possessions to the colonies of Imperialist countries where they were tortured and terrorized into being captive free labor for their oppressors.

Now that we are clear about the ambiguity and confusion the Zwarte Piets present back to the Parade. We are waiting, my knee hurts and so does my back. We are on uneven cobblestone streets pressed up against children and parents and other curious clueless tourist and we are all excited , we have that "what is about to happen?"anticipation. Jim and I start noticing, discussing and then taking pictures of children who are dressed as either SinterKlaus or Zwarte Piets. The children have costumes like those I described above and the ones playing Piets either have ashes rubbed on their faces or have a completely darkened face. We find this fascinating.

Above the Leidseplein Square where we are standing is a castle like building with a balcony. Suddenly in what seems to me to be an ear splitting volume, a man in red vest and white shirt is yelling into a mic about Are we ready for SinterKlaus. of course it is in Dutch but his questions and tome are unmistakable. have you been good or bad? Will the Piet's be giving you cookies or stuffing you into a sack? Good questions like that. He introduces the parade and keeps talking, introducing the parade sections as they come and go.
The parade has hundreds, no exaggeration here, hundreds, of Zwarte Piets, all either on Roller skates, on parade floats or marching in marching bands. The first hour of them do not have sacks with treats in them. There is a very well executed parade band which has a great s-curve spiral dance type marching formation. They stop in front of us to do thier dance piece. There outfits are half white and half black ( is this a reference to the Winter Equinox?). They are very good. All the other musicians ate Piets. There are a few and I mean less than 10 cars or non float vehicles in the parade. I do not understand the floats, one has a mammoth puppet on it that is ridden and driven by a Piet. One has a cannon that "works by shooting out candies". Why a cannon? Why a mammoth?

The second layer of Piets have sacks full of these little hard spice cookies. They have a special name I will look it up. It begins with a P__________.

The Piets now roller skate towards the children who are even more ferverently clinging to the metal crowd barriers. The kids are holding out hands, bags, and hats to get treats. Everyone is yelling Zwarte Piet, they start a refrain of Peit"s that make them sound like chirping birds waiting for worms. Next to us the mother from Mexico is doping her best to make sure everyone is having fun. She pushes my hand out to get the cookies. She grabs the flags when they come by and gives one to me. She is singing out and calling to the Peits and gosh darn is her kid getting a lot of cookies. She grabs the arms of the Piets and pulls them towards her for a few moments to flirt with and harass them . The initial moments of surprise or alarm the "Piet's have when they realize she is not letting go of their hands is entertaining. many of the Piet's although captured by the woman, flirt with Jim who is their height and hovering over myself and the other woman taking pictures. This is really a lot of fun.

The Zwarte Piets are all white people in black face makeup. It is startling that almost every one of them have intensely blue eyes. All of this Piet stuff goes on and on. I start to whine and say Where is SinterKlaus. The Piet's start to lead us in songs that every one else seem to know. They all sing along loudly and reward us with more cookies. Finally, Finally, I can see a guy in red on a white horse coming around the corner. There he is and he is beautiful. Long white beard and hair pope, I mean Saint hat, a golden crook and a speck less gorgeous white horse.
The parade is over and we rush off to find a place to pee and sit down. We end up in a Thai restaurant that is so so food wise and very very slow service wise, which was fine with us. When we leave we split up and I come to the houseboat to write postcards, ( better get on that, I did 26 and have 48 to go) and type this blog draft. Jim just got dressed and left for a night out in the Red District, Full report on that tomorrow.
Thanks for your interest in this blog and if you are reading it, why not post a comment so I can have feedback about the content and style of my writing.

I will come back to this post to put in missing info later on but for now, I got to get some sleep!

Benefits of Wisdom & Sexy Body! Sexy Mind! at Wildside

I am publishing this now and I may not come back to this post to put in missing info later on.

Woke up wrote short blog. Got to bagels & beans bought b-fast Wisdom course guy David from London comes into Bagels & Beans to get coffee. He is in a Taxi and asks me to join him, we pick up Marge from Denmark" as she walks by us.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention, my phone doesn't work here. I took it to Cingular before I left to check but alas, the woman had the wrong info or something because it doesn't work here.


Wisdom
Review of top 5 benefits of Wisdom course. Review of all weekends their terms tips and course work: Play Fun Ease, freedom from the past, happiness, making things happen by pursuing your dreams, growth and development.

Idea that is the responsibility of all Wisdom participants to upgrade the conversations in their network of Conversations to ensure the conversations contain the intent for growth and personal development. Identify your language communities commitments, what values do their behaviors display. 3 hour integrity exercise with two other people: Paul from London and Pieter from Netherlands. Funny I just now realized in writing their names that this big old pagan girl was hanging with Peter & Paul. That would be Peter, Paul & Teri ha ha

Frustrations: my expensive coffee disappeared. I did not know there was a special place3 to leave things and indeed only the staff has access to a kitchen area where things will not be thrown away. No orientation to where other belongings can be stored. A woman came up and asked my why I did not have my homework. I started to explain why i had not brought it and why: I've already done the weekend. I got all A's. Then I stopped myself and said, "look, I don't need to justify this with a story, I don't have my homework with me and that's that. Afterwards i was extremely irritated. I tried to go to the bathroom, to leave the room about 20 minutes before the end of a specific session and the woman at the door told me I could not leave. we argued I stayed for 3 more minutes and I left to go to the bathroom. After the days session while they were setting up the room for the conversation and the community event, I tried to use a phone no one in the office could help me I tried for about 20 minutes. I was trying to reach Jim to see if he was coming to the event or had made other plans. I ask a guy in the lobby who is in the course if I can use his cel phone and offer him money and he says "I decline". I am frustrated, go back to office, cry and then begin to laugh a lot at the ridiculousness of it all. Decide I am too upset to stay and the fact that I can't get a hold of Jim means I should leave. Realize I had best leave time wise as it is now 6pm and i am teaching at 8pm meeting Tania of the Wild Side at 7pm in Joordan district

I really enjoy getting to the COC. I take the #2 tram and get off to walk around in the Dam area and buy souvenirs. I feel safe and strong and confident. people help me when i am disoriented.

Sexy Body! Sexy Mind! at theWild Side.
I get to the COC at 7:10pm. meet Tania and several other lovely women, who help me set up the space for class.
8-11:30pm Teach the class successfully, lots of yummy intelligent emotionally present dialog, everyone relaxed and open after the body blessing ritual. have an amazing conversation with one of the women who is a healer and set up a session for Mon or Tuesday night. Alpha waves with music and energy work. Intriguing and soothing to think about. Go to a pub with seven of the women. The pub used to be women only and is now mixed genders. Meet a young Thai woman who has just returned form several months in South Africa. She is selling gemstone and glass bead necklaces she made. I buy one with malacite on it.

Talk and drink until the bar closes at 2:30pm. Go to a dark wooden Middle Eastern restaurant and get lamb with garlic sauce on Pita bread. Drive with three lovely women and drop off one at her hotel in Flower market district. Get a bit disoriented because I have unclear directions for the driver. Get to the houseboat at 3:50pm.
Jim is awake with a migraine. He tells me that he went to the Wisdom Course conversation. He had heard me laughing but could not fiond me, ( my cel phone is not working, right?) he stayed until the social started and came home with a migraine.
We talk until I fall asleep talking to him.

Bagels. Beauty and Becoming

Bagels
Jim and I found a marvelous restaurant called Bagels and Beans. It is 4 blocks from the houseboat and a welcoming fresh food place. More details later as I must rush off to get there before going to Wisdom.

Beauty
Jim and I spent Friday morning in the Van Gogh museum. i will write in detail later but suffice it to say that I was transported by the beauty of the art there. i saw several works I had never seen before. I was deeply moved. i cried a lot. I realized that I am a person who reaches altered states of consciousness when exposed to beauty for a long period of time. Art heals. My favorite piece that I had never seen before is "Portrait of Guus Preitinger, the artist's wife"by Kees van Dongen from 1911. I will do my best to get a copy of the painting posted here on this page. The striking red background surrounding the proud and bold beauty of this woman is delightful. She wears a deep indigo blue dress and has one hand on her hip and the other hand holds part of a three strand pearl necklace.

So many Van Gogh's i believe i will always be moved by the tragedy of his life. I remain inspired and delighted by the genius and expressiveness of his work. I am grateful that he lived and painted, the world would have been less if his work never existed.

Becoming


Teri Smiling in Amsterdam

From Amsterdam

Got lost on the way to the Wisdom course, thankfully I had given myself an hour to arrive traveling from the Van Gogh museum. I traveled to the World Trade Center but needed to be at the World fashion Center. Fortunately it was a beautiful day with no rain and the walk took me through a park. I got to the center 2 min. before the session started. I cried for a few minutes several times at the frustration of being lost and "not Knowing". Later Jim showed me that the Wisdom course location is a very walkable 10 blocks from our houseboat. A #2 tram gets me there in less than 5 min. It is an odd coincidence that taking a #2 here will get us from the houseboat to where I am teaching and also to Wisdom... Hmmm. At home in Seattle the #2 bus goes by my house and takes me from Allena's in Queen Anne, to Kathy McKeever's in the Central District to Jimbo's in Madrona. My three best friends all live on the #2 bus. I love synchronicity.

Wisdom Course teachings today included the use of three models which when understood and viewed collectively can give humans a glimpse of how the Universe/Cosmos and "All of It" function.
There are three realms: World, Being and language. Becoming belongs to the Realm of World. World as in the concrete existence of things/objects. The naming of things, the ability to handle and move objects. The place where things actually happen, objects get moved, papers get filed etc... WORLD has temporal time as in past, present & future. Because time is linear in WORLD, the possibility of becoming and the idea of growth and improvement exist.

I am still becoming an adult around community events regarding directions and needing help when i get lost. I still am looking for a sense of support and help around coming and going and transportation. I know my partner David will be relieved to hear that I have emotional upset about not being able to go when I want to. I realized again that I do not feel safe walking alone in the dark in a city, even if a man tells me he thinks it is safe for me to do so."I got very frustrated and cried again when I failed to be able to get a ride to the Joordan ( where I was meeting Jimbo at the Sex Museum). I was afraid of walking in the dark through the park to the Tram station. Fortunately a German woman and an American woman from California both noticed my distress and offered to come with me as they also needed the tram. I am becoming more aware that I have young conversations about belonging and acceptance and isolation around transportation that need upgrading. I will think about this today in the Wisdom Course and move forward on these issues.

A little Nod from St.Francis in Amsterdam

It is very beautiful here. I think I may want to live here for a little while someday. The buildings are low and narrow and very old. The architecture on many of them is just amazing. I keep taking pictures and I'm sure the locals think I am nuts. I am noticing that I want to take pictures my own way. There is rarely enough room in the camera lens for a "nice square framing" of the image. I am enjoying shooting things at angles and capturing part of buildings against the sky. I love the huge old pagan statues on top of buildings. The Royal Palace has Altas, Minerva/Athena and Diana/Artemis.
The very old 14th-18th century buildings are smack up against modern buildings. Everything is squished together. Most of the buildings are brick; various kinds of brick everywhere of different eras and a lovely range of browns and umbers and reds. Streets are brick and stone, very uneven. I find i must watch my step a lot.

Jimbo had his new shoes on yesterday and we headed off for our first walk and he stepped in a big pile of dog shit.. He was really upset and traumatized. now he won't walk where there are leaves.There are leaves everywhere. This causes some funny looking cautious walking.
LIKE THIS: (click on the photo to see more)

From Amsterdam

The trams go everywhere, as do the bike paths and cars. There are also buses. The different forms of transportation work well together. It is very relaxed. No accidents yet. It is mind boggling to me that the majority of people ride bikes, there are bike lanes everywhere and the bikes and cars are not at odds at all! It just is. In America there is such adversarial energy between bikes and cars.

Jim and I were exhausted after the not sleeping for 9-10 hours in a cramped plane. Still we wanted to g o out. We took showers and changed and found our way to the Joordan district. We found the PINK POINT info place, it turned out to be a little Kiosk building on the grounds of the WesterKirk ( big church). The pink point has all the free gay literature and souvenirs. What cracks me up is they have a whole bunch of stickers and postcards that are from Ephemera Press in Phoenix Oregon. I recognize the merchandise from when i owned my Baba Yaga's Dream coffeehouse in 1993-1995.

The biggest thrill though was seeing flyers with my name on it advertising my class for the Wild Side this Saturday. I think I actually Squealed, "Hey Jimbo look at this!" I grabbed a bunch to bring back for my friends. There was a lovely lesbian woman from New York who was a member of the Lesbian Sex Mafia ( no kidding a real and well known s&M dyke group). We talked for a few minutes and she asked me if I wanted to eat with her but Jim and i had just had lunch. She thought she might come too the class on Sat.

The homo monument was nearby: 3 sculptural pink triangles worked into the architecture of the walkway and a dock going into the canal. Geez, I thought it would just be a phallic object pointing at the sky. Hard to photograph it but I did my best. Saw the statue of Anne Frank but not the house. We agreed we could not handle it emotionally just then anyway. The last thing we saw before decided we were too tired and needed to go crash, was the Gay and lesbian center (COC) at 14 Rozenstraat. It looks like a great place to teach. large rooms. It was closed but the lobby was open and a woman who was just locking up chatted for a while. Two triptych paintings on the outside wall representing 3 women and three men, all naked all, I believe supposed to be people at concentration camps. Oh yes, by the way, i hope everyone gets that the Homo monument is a tribute to all the gay and lesbian people who were killed in the concentration camps. Right? Did you know that they were made to wear pink triangles on the outside of their clothes, the same visual sign of oppression that was used as yellow stars to mark Jewish people. SO that's why the homo monument is made of pink marble.

Just now I am typing from my room in the houseboat. About 6ft' of the room is under water. Then there is a little skylight that opens up onto the deck above. The skylight is about 6inches wide by 18 inches long. It opens. A boat just tugged by and It sounds intriguing. A new sound I am not used to but can easily identify. The houseboat is lovely.
It is very comfortable. The spiral staircase that connects three floors is made of a lovely old hardwood. We get the bottom floor which is the bedroom a hallway with a clothes closet and a really wonderful bathroom. The bathroom is white tile and the shower is open slate and tile with no glass doors. The shower head has a button so you can have super hot water. The shower head also is on a move able rod and can be held in your hand. I want a shower head like that cause it is really easy to wash "girl bits". Excellent for other "good clean fun" too (wink wink nudge nudge). Upstairs just inside the front door is a great little living room/kitchen on the main floor. The living room/kitchen looks out on the water. The water moves very quickly and throws a constantly rippling stream of light on the walls.

When we arrived yesterday around 10:30am after a harrowing taxi cab ride ( the guy went 70 km most of the way and cut off a lot of other drivers!), Ben greeted us on a main street and lead the way down a narrow walkway. The walkway is Jaagplan Lane. It is like a walkway in a park, covered on all sides by plants that make an archway over the path. Lovely blown and fallen leaves everywhere. Familiar plants of all varieties like Birch trees and Pampas Grass. Lovely flowers and flowering vines. We are about the 7th houseboat down the path. I like the way our houseboat looks the best. Jimbo was disappointed that the houseboat is not ours alone. I like living in part of some one else's house. It is like a bed and breakfast. Ben showed us the upstairs part where he lives. His partner Hans is gone just now,( I think he said Hans is in Tunisia! ? !).

Ben is Catholic and has these lovely authentic old hand painted statues of the Madonna and child and different saints. There is a Saint Francis statue in our hallway/. These statues remind me of my grandmother and I feel safe when i see them . I recognize them and feel that they recognize me. Did you know that the word numen which is the root of numinous means "To nod towards"?. Numinous is a word people use to describe an event or object that is full of "god energy". I like the idea that a word for describing the sacred means to be nodded at or recognized. To me this is about accepting the sacred as an ordinary thing, a spiritual essence that lives in everything (anima as in animism) and only needs the brief acknowledgment of a nod to be so. Like "Oh yes, of course we are all Holy" and a little wink is all we need to affirm this truth.

Live from a houseboat in Oud Zuid

Okay, well despite my anxiety about flying in a plane for 9 1/2 hours, we made it here alive!
Euros are much more colorful than dollars. Right now a dollar is worth 78 cents. Our houseboat rental is the bottom floor and middle floor living room of a much bigger home. It is lovely and the doors from the living room are loovered ( sp??) so that you turn a handle and the top of the door swings out like the long narrow window on Seattle's public buses. Then you turn the handle again and it opens up on all 4 sides but is in a track and slides to the left. Very ingenious and very smooth. I love it. There are odd little greebs ( like ducks) or some similar water birds who are all black except for a beak with a shock of white on a startling red flat bill. Quite odd looking like a little cartoon. They are noisy and a bit demanding. seems they are used to being fed. It is very flat here and none of the buildings (so far) are taller than 10 stories. I like this horizontal leveling. We are in the Oud Zuid, or OLD South section of town to the lower left ( South West) of the center of the city. Jimbo and I are both a bit cranky from lack of sleep and close quarters on the plane. We have taken showers and have decided that rather than sleep, we will go out on the town. We will go to Central Station on a tram and then to the Joordan to visit the Pink Zone and the Homomonument. Yippee! They are right next to the Anne Frank house. I do not know if I can handle that emotionally today but we will see. Well. I will write more later tonight.
Love, Teri

No, I can't get you a prostitute or some Hash!

Yes, I am going to Amsterdam. No, I can't get you a prostitute or some hash!
Almost all of my friends have requested one or both of these items in jest when I have asked them what they want me to bring them back from Amsterdam. Sheesh, Americans have no imagination. I am certain there is more to Amsterdam that drugs, hippies and sex for sale.Some of the things I am bringing back: tulip bulbs, cheese, cigars, erotic photography, magnets, sex toys (if I see something different that I haven't tried yet). Postcards, I need to send over 50.

I want to make this posting short and sweet.
I realized my very lengthy post this morning was way too pedantic/wordy and self-important. When I re-read it I felt a headache coming on.

As a comedic counterpoint I'd like to share what occured when I finally got up from sitting and typing for about 2 1/2 hours (dear god it really did take me that long to research and write those puny little sentences).

I got up from the computer and walked across the room to the bathroom and realized there was something funny about my left pant leg. I am wearing a new pair of jeans that I also wore yesterday. I woke up and put the jeans on and grabbed a shirt and started working on the computer.
So what, you ask, was wrong with my pant leg? I reached in there and pulled out yesterday's underwear. I laughed so hard I almost fell over. So much for Goddesses and Demons, I can't even sort out my own pant legs!

Have a crazy chaotic human day! I'll write you Thursday from Amsterdam!

words of the day "Apotheosis" & "Daimon"

Well, well, my dearies, what have we here? ( said in the tone of the Wicked Witch of the West from Wizard of Oz).

I am packed and ready to go to Amsterdam. I have miraculously made time to do nothing but answer email and write blogs for the next 3 hours. I had an amazing weekend attending the Landmark Wisdom Course 5th weekend. I am about to repeat that weekend with the European "Landmarkians" in Amsterdam. While the course here is mostly full of people from Vancouver BC, Portland and Seattle. The European course is full of well, uhm, Europeans. Silly, I know it is one of those peculiarly American handicaps that I rarely think about world geography. How small Europe is geographically. I mean what if every state in the USA had it's own language and it's own government ( well states do ya' know...). What I mean is I will get to meet a great many people from a wide diversity of countries by going to a country that is barely larger than the geography of Seattle by itself. Yippee!

I hope to adequately express some of what I learned this past weekend here and my struggle for self acceptance.
I want to explain the title of this blog entry:

"Apotheosis": 1) deification 2) exaltation as of a person or ideal. Basically, Apotheosis refers to the act of turning a person or ideal into a god.

I had a lot of exquisite conversations this weekend. Many of the conversations involved people praising and complimenting me. I struggled with being able to take in the compliments and be present to my impact on others. I struggled against self demeaning thoughts and unwillingness to recognize my greatness. I wondered if people were actually seeing me or projecting some grandeur onto me that was not inherently there.
The compliments about my hair and my appearance were paradoxically the most welcome and the most feared. I did get a new haircut. I have been working out doing Yoga and Water Aerobics. I do look attractive and healthier. Simultaneously, my high school aged self was muttering responses to the compliments like: "What do they want?"; "Why are they saying that?"; or, "What was wrong with the way I looked before?"
My partner David has been telling me for weeks that I look radiant and that my hairstyle is "sporty". It is easier to dismiss compliments from the ones you love most because , well, they love you. More than 10 people told me they liked my hair. I guess my hair must be cool now. Ironically, it has been a joke of mine for the last few years that as I continue to find my Femme identity, I am still not able to "Have a hairdo". I guess I'll have to retire that conversation.

Upon reflection, I find that there have been many instances in my life when I have " fallen into apotheosis". Usually this synchronizes with when I have "fallen in Love". Hmm, really? Oh yes, of course, you betcha'. There are also times when I have a new concept or idea and I am certain this idea is the center of the Universe or can explain all things. In fact I made an art piece for Bruce Nealley in 1998 called Apotheosis when I realized I had once again left the center of my being to adore and idolize another human. Apotheosis. It is tempting to move the location of the divine out and away from your own core. So much easier to see love in another. So much easier to worship at an altar outside of the SELF. I need constant reminders to build my life around the core of myself. The Divine inside of me is the relationship that needs tending to when I am out of balance. It is just too easy to make another person your god and then beat them up because you are worshipping them. Ya Dig what I mean?
I also think that I frequently lapse into asking another person to fill spaces and do things for me that are not appropriate for another person to do for me. David Schnarch calls this being other- referenced. In his world the ideal is to be self-referenced. Being as spiritual as I am I sometimes prefer SELF-referenced or SELF centered as in "centered in SELF". For example, I say this every now and again to a counseling client or friend in need: Is it really ethical to ask another person to do something for you that you are not willing to do for yourself? I mean why should I ask Ms. X to love me when I am not willing to love myself. It is my job to "get right with the gods" and mend my relationship with the SELF and the Universe ( all that is). Why would I ask another person to do that for me? That's an inside job. Rainer Maria Rilke is a great writer to turn to to help explore these ideas. A book of his essays and poems called "On Love and other Difficulties" is very helpful for ordering yourself and preparing for "the work of love"

Saturday evenings during the Wisdom Weekend intensives there is always some sort of social event. Social events are opportunities to expand our network of conversations and to participate in our originating circles and to acknowledge and appreciate those in our lives who "give us our lives" by simply being in our lives. During the social events, in fact during every Landmark event, there is a time for Sharing. This means people get up to the microphone and talk about what has been happening in their lives. The ways of thinking and speaking given in Landmark Education are different from our common culture and definitely have an impact. Sometimes people have breakdowns and some times people have breakthroughs, these two perspectives are usually hot on the heels of each other.

On Saturday I was asked to share "What has the Wisdom Course given me". I told everyone present the story of "How I manifested my trip to Amsterdam" which you can read here as my November 8th blog post. I also told them a lot of other stuff which I will post here under a separate title soon. After my share several people came up to tell me how inspired and awed they were by my sharing. The next day more people said the same. One person in particular said that their guest who had never been to any Landmark events before asked " Do you think that's really true what she said about going to Amsterdam?". I laughed and realized that to some people, maybe a lot of people, my story could seem like a fairy tale. It may occur to people that I am lying or telling a made up story.
Frequently, when people hear or see something that is beyond their common experience they will either exalt or demonize the person or event. We are constantly , conditioned by our dualistic uber culture, evaluating all experience as if it could only belong in one of two boxes 1) good
2) bad. We are trained to be so judgemental that our ability to even listen to another person or experience life itself, is eclipsed by our brain making judgements and comparisons: "Is that true?" "Do I believe that?" "Did that just happen?" Our squirrel brains natter on creating a filter between ourselves and life itself. Good/Bad Male/Female Light/Dark Matter/Light it just goes on and on.
False dichotomy as my over educated feminist soaked brain is fond of spewing out. Kate Borenstein taught me to use a more easily digested phrase "either/or" choices. Realize that when you can only think of two options in a situation that you are living in the illusion of dualism. There are always more than two options, there is always more than two of anything. Think about that for a minute, okay?

Daimon is the origin or root word for the word Demon (etymological source: Latin. daemon or daemonium, Greek. daimonion:a guardian spirit). Daimon originally referred to a spirit of place that protected or guarded that place. As history rolled over the Greek and Latin cultures and brought the great dualistic and father idolizing religions into prominence, spirits of place were eclipsed by the " one true god". Daimons became demons and the animate world became an empty world of things, spiritless objects. Demons are now evil spirits. To demonize someone is to project evil intent or assign an evil essence to a person

So commonly when we are in the presence of a new person or new experience that challenges our knowledge base, ( the knowledge we had up until exposure to that new person or event), we are tempted to either elevate or denigrate that person or event. They are either a god of some kind, or a demon of some kind. Immediately our tendency to judge and evaluate comes into play and we compare ourselves to the person or event. " I can't do that", "I can do better than that". "That's good", "That's bad!" In a very simplistic either or culture this might become: "They are like god", "They are like the devil". we then look for ways to justify the judgemetn we have made.

"When I am good: Apotheosis occurs and when I am bad, I'm a demon".
Okay so what? What's with all the definitions and mini history lessons already?

Okay, I'll tell you, I'm trying to get to the point but it takes a little background.

When I was studying Ghandi in my peace studies class in Stephens College ( yes, 1981!), I really did not like Ghandi. I was a pleasure seeking pagan feminist. He was a body aviodant spiritual devotee to deprivation who held his wife responsible for his own lustful impulses. I had a lot of judgement as a 20 year old anarcho-feminist "should". I had to write a paper on how Ghandi was relevant to me. I had a hell of a time and i fought within myself fiercely to find a way to relate to this guy. I mean lots of dudes do great works socially but are complete demons in their personal lives, right? So I read and reread his biography and finally there was a quote from him in the introduction that gave me a "eureka!" moment. I just returned from an hour long web search but failed to find the exact quote I am looking for.
The intent and one possible meaning of the quote is: Ghandi says , "Do not call me Mahatma, Saint" or other revered titles, for when you do you remove from yourself the responsibility to find your own Truth and live it. In "getting" this quote I realized that I had been so busy judging and comparing myself to him, that I was not able to even see who he had been. Why did Ghandi's greatness threaten me so? Why was I so alarmed by his legacy that I had to demonize him? The paper I wrote was about this realization and my new understanding that Ghandi's life called me to be present to my own life. I saw that I had a responsibility to determine my own Truth. I saw I had a responsibility to examine the values that underpinned my actions. I saw that I must think critically and become a self-created individual.

My own thinking about experiences where it becomes clear that people are deifying me is 1) they are not seeing me as I am 2) they do not want to or know how to do the work necessary for them to see me as I am. 3) they do not want to or know how to do the work necessary for them to see themselves as divine 4) I am obsessively fixated on turning everything into a philosophical situation and I need to go take a nap. Perhaps they are not experiencing their own Immanence ( inner divinity/Life force). Perhaps they have never known or developed skills that would allow them to access Immanence. If I have an emotional investment in being close to the person and I have the free attention and energy to engage them, I will try to redirect their judgemental behavior towards self-reflection on self acceptance and worthiness. A lot of the time I am too tired or caught up in myself to do provide such guidance .

Usually when people are demonizing me, I have no access to them. The people who demonize me do so in their heads , in a monologue or they gossip about it with others and I never hear about it first hand. Which is fine. I may feel it in their energy fields but I do not have to deal with it on a 3-D level. In my recent experience, when people who are uncomfortable about my level of free self-expression and power tell me that they are aware they are demonizing me, we then have a conversation that builds intimacy and connection.

In my relationships with Connie and David, there is a lot of apotheosis and demonization. Actually, come to think of it, in most relationships, intimate or friendly or only acquaintances... Hmmm... Well, I need to stop writing now and go tend to physical things like eating. I hopeto have provoked you in some way! Blessings, Teri

A burlesque queen from the Land of OZ

Here are some of the pictures David took of me at the Wet Spot ( Sex Positive Community Center's) Halloween party on Sunday Oct 29th. I am wearing a costume that my friend Rose created; she calls it "what a burlesque dancer would look like in the Land Of Oz". The blue nipples blink on and off when you flick them! I had a good time even though I was tired from teaching the "Taste of Kink" workshop with Connie and Mistress Marry from 5-7pm. Can you believe it only took me 15 min. to put on the makeup and rhinestones!

How I manifested my trip to Amsterdam

Feel free to check out my website at www.terrafire.org

One of my new conversations in March 2006 became, " I am an international sexologist and I am going to teach in Amsterdam in November". At the time I did not know anyone who lived in Amsterdam. The only connection I had was an acquaintance named Ingrid who is Dutch and goes home every now and then. In July I received a phone call from a woman in charge of a Lesbian leather organization ( called the Wild Side ) in Amsterdam and she asked me to come and teach for them. How did I make this leap and cause my conversation to physically manifest? Through my originating circle and the network of conversations.

An originating circle is the circle of people who you come into contact with and have conversations with at least once a month. The network of conversations is the interconnected web of all originating circles. So while I may not be in conversation with my best friend's partner, that friend's partner influences me and I influence them through the fact that the best friend has conversation with both of us. My best friend and I are in each other's originating circles. My best friend's partner is in my secondary circle and on it goes ad finitum, ad nauseum. The network of conversations contains everything you may want or need. My network of conversations included people who live in Amsterdam and want to learn what I have to teach. While I did not know people directly, through conversation, I accessed people who knew people, who knew people in Amsterdam. Through interconnected originating circles, conversation created a connection. People in Amsterdam heard about my website and the classes I teach. My work was recommended and praised to them. They called me to see when and If I could teach for them.

What kind of conversation is required to achieve this kind of result? Generative conversation. Conversation that creates is made of declarations and definitions. This is different from story telling and representational speech. So a declaration is " I am an international sexologist and I am going to teach in Amsterdam in November". A story would be: "I've always wanted to go to Amsterdam but it costs to much and I really don't like planes, besides no one in Amsterdam knows about me so they won't be interested in my counseling and classes." In the story, I cannot have what I want and I am powerless. In the declaration I am what I want. In the declaration, I am being what I want to have.

At this time next week ( literally 7 days from now at 10:50pm) I am going to be in a plane headed to Amsterdam. I am taking one of my best friends "Jimbo", Jim Barker with me. We are going to have a kick ass marvelous time. I will attend the Wisdom Weekend #5 which will be a repeat of the weekend I am doing here in Seattle on Nov 10-12th. I will be teaching my "Sexy Body! Sexy Mind! class to the leather dykes of Wild Side at the gay and lesbian center of Amsterdam.
This happened because I decided to share a declarative conversation with everyone I spoke to at least once a month. I found out that many of the people I know had been to or lived in or knew someone who lived in Amsterdam. It really is a small intensely interconnected world. If you want something, talk about it as if you already have it. Believe in your power to obtain it and it is yours.

I have learned an immense amount of useful skills and techniques while taking the Landmark Wisdom Course. I registered for this course last November 15th. The first of 5 weekend intensives was March 18th. The last is this weekend November 10-12th. My life has dramatically improved because of this course. One of the most helpful and trans formative distinctions I have learned from Wisdom is the power of conversations. Oh you may be wondering "What is Landmark?" www.landmarkeducation.com

Landmark education is a personal growth and training organization. I took my 1st weekend intensive with them, known as The Forum the last weekend of July 2005. I took the 2nd intensive The Advance Course, last December. On Halloween weekend 2005 I went with my dear friend Allena Gabosch ( who got me into Landmark in the first place ) to a social event called The Wisdom Course Social. What happened that night and how I ended up in the Wisdom Course is another story, which I will hopefully get around to telling you later. Wisdom is a separate but related division of Landmark. Anyone who would like to join me this Saturday Nov. 11th at the Landmark education center on 35th and Phinney Ave. in Fremont is welcome. We will be having a conversation from 6-8pm about acknowledgement and appreciation. We will sit in small groups of 6 people and ask and answer questions. THe first question is "Who do you say that I am?" Then from 8-? ( usually about 10pm) The social gathering is called the World Wisdom Festival. This event was my idea. Each Wisdom social group ( there are about 8). will have their own booth where people can have an experience that focuses on Art, Spirit and Community. I will be helping people disappear conversations by writing what they no longer wish to say on a piece of flashpaper and burning it. Then I will sit with people and give them a "rock of Being" to remind them to breathe, stay in their body and "be". this is the whole be a human being not a human doing concept. This is going to be fun. Feel free to show up call me if you need more information.